A day in a Dream

2006-09-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

My inspiration to this post is me listening to Lupe Fiasco's new album "Food and Liquor". The reason for this is because this is possibly that one or two rap albums that I buy each year. Which is not a lot for such a big "music lover". But the truth is I don't really like a lot of rap. BUT there is something about a cd that actually does reach me. Something that hits me both intellectually, emotionally, and aestitically. Its this reason why music seems to have such a big part of my life. And I think its this reason why so many black males my age live and breath hip hop. It has everything to do with how I relate to people and things. Now the point I'm getting at is....Can I really ever TRULY relate to anybody who is not on that same tip? And when i say "anybody" i mean a girl. I ask myself every so often, "is music really THAT important to you?". Honestly it really might be. I'm trying to figure out why and how its become that way for me. I honestly think, that as Black people, we relate to each other through music. I hesitated before typing that. I wasn't sure if that was true. But in retrospect EVERY single memory i have of my extended family has some sort of music in it. I think this kind of explains why when Black people party....We dance. When white people party...they drink. My first night of college I may never have gone to a BIG party before....But I did know I if I had a choice of the party behind the house with people standing around drinking....Or that party with the house rockin' to the music I'd want the music.

Could I chill with a girl who doesn't have this same feeling about music, or MY music? I don't even mean just like she listens to Slipknot or something and I listen to Nas. I mean her luvin' her some Franchise Boyz and well....me not. I think what people get out of music kind of reflects who they are as a person and how they think.

Its funny how relationships work. I took a "Movies in Hollywood" class that explored Fight Club and the fact that its "homosocial" (along with spitting all sorts of stuff on capitalism). I was once counseling a friend on a girl of his and she essentially "wasn't on his level" according to him. Me and him though were able to relate on a deeper wavelength. This was the basis of him acutally being a FRIEND. Now since neither of are gay obvoiusely no relationship is coming from that. But if a girl isn't there (when theoretically it should be AT LEAST on that level if not greater) why should he continue it. When I said that to him (coming to the realization almost at the same moment) I think that actually is what changed my perspective on girls. If I can't relate to a girl on the same level as I can my bestest best friend and this is the chick I"m spending most of my socializing waking hours with then that relationship, whether it is romantic with a girl, or even social (with a guy) is destined to never get past a certain level just because its simply not possible. Its like one person diving in the deep end, the other in the shallow end, then expecting to give each other a high five under water. Your bound to have to meet each other at 4 ft instead of 14. But you miss out on the fun the other 10 ft. provides. After a certain point...you wonder when you can play in that other 10 ft. The more you can't the more you wonder about it.

If i were to grade this post I would say it is unorganized and "all over the place". Ironically, it began because of how I think of music intellectually. And relates because the females I related to the most...Had similar music tastes.

2006-09-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

I think one of the things that I have appreciated about blogging is that it has enabled me to be completely honest with myself in a quasi public setting. I think i've admitted a number of things to myself in my blog that I may or may not have to someone in "real life". Or at least wasn't ready to admit. So through this it has actually enabled me to continue my own personal growth which I am always trying to achieve.

So here's another realization about myself... I don't do ANYTHING unless I see there is an immiediete point to it. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. I've always wondered whether I was lazy at certain times... But no...i'm not lazy at all because I am quite easily able to motivatte myself to do many a thing. But i think the main thing is that I am VERY goal driven. In my own head there are very few things that bother me (maybe the only one being people blowing their nose) and infact I refuse to let things or people really grate on me enough that I make an action that acknowledges it. (another flaw... i will be the first one to tell you I REALLY don't like to be told what to do...And infact will do the exact opposite if come at the wrong way) The point is that I sit here and my room is amazingly messy right now. Now anyone who has been in any of my college dorm rooms will pretty much assume its busines as usual for big hak. But thinking back to those days I also know that whenever I had a reason (basically girls or parents) to clean I would quickly perpetrate myself as the next Martha Stewart. Infact... It was well known by every roommate, suitemate, and apartment mate when Hak busted out the vacume "some b!*ches were comin through".

I'm beginning to believe that this is the true reason why things in my life go and have gone the way they have. Whether its high school where I essentially didn't (didn't really need to) put out much effort except for test time( even then mostly because I was in competition with somebody) Even in college where the immiediete is even more immediete I essentially just enjoyed being naturally smart until the time came when I actually had to REALLY grind.

Infact i don't even talk to girls for an extended period of time unless they for some reason serve some purpose in expanding or enriching my life. I recently was talking to a female about "making friends" and how I found it odd when guys give me their number essentially cuz they think i'm cool. (no homo...i don't think) My thought on it was "i'm 23...I'm done finding friends. Im good with the ones i got". She on the other hand was all about it. This is essentially my mindest on a lot of things. I don't think this is a good thing. On one hand I desperately want to expand my mind and become a better person but on the other hand I think I'm a bit caught up in my own concietedness of "The great bighak". I never have thought I was concieted until this moment and I don't think there's anything wrong with having confidence in yourself and who you are. But unless you/i allow my mind to grow past doing things for my own immiediete benefit there's a good chance I'm going to miss out on becoming the person I'd like to be in the long run.

I have a big fear of becoming Tom Cruise....Essentially somebody who has gotten to the point where he thinks he's the single smartess and greatess person on earth...Because nobody has checked him in years. So this is kinda like a mental check for myself. Cuz if I don't do it who will? Certainly not my non-existant girlfriend. I think I've gotten to the point now where I almost NEED to be around people who can tell me i'm wrong and counter my views because I'm definetely at the point where I am THIS close to thinking I'm right 99.9% of the time. And that's not a good thing. Over the past year or two I've experienced a lot of personal success but also a couple big disappointments and with each success, whether its a job, me winning an argument, having girls seemingly fawn over me or just people appreciate me for being me, I think my confidence has gotten to the point where instead of an ego stroke...I need a ego smack. Just so I stay in reality. Actually...Imma save that ego smack till AFTER i can actually have a gf.....

2006-09-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

It seems that i have been neglecting my civic duty to blog at least a couple times a week. I WOULD like to make the excuse that its because I just strted a new job and I "haven't had the time" but I'd be lying both to you...My public. And to myself. So because of this I'm sure this will be an extremely long blog because I debated doing the usual structured blog about one sole subject. Well...I feel in a rambling mood.

A question? Do we like older songs because of the memory of them? Or because we just actually like them? While listening to my ipod on my computer I saw a link on itune's of "songs from the 90's" and me having experienced most of my waking years during that time, I was furiously clicking reliving those songs. And I absolutely loved like 90% of them. If i did that for now... I'm pretty sure i would listen to maybe 10 of the 100 (exaggeration? it really might not be). Having said that when listening to those songs they also brought memories to me like "Back that thang up" (i know...not 90's but early 2000's) brings back memories of my beginnings freakin every girl in sight at the Hammond High freak-a-thon...I mean Back to School dance. If anyone has ever taken psychology you would be familiar with Pavlov and his dogs. Basically dude rang a bell and that was a cue that it was time for the dogs to eat. Then after he took away the food after a few sessions the dogs would still salivate for the food when the bell was hit. You may feel free to make whatever connections to me in high school (ie. freaking girls, dogs, salivating/drooling, "food") you would like.

What Im saying is that these are good memories. BUT... My musical tastes have without a doubt changed and grown from those times. I actually LIKED "country grammer" when it first came out. There is next to zero chance i like ANY nelly song that comes out now. Not to mention some random booty shakin song. (Although...in my defense the radio was not nearly as saturated with booty songs as it is not) Maybe one day i'll do a blog on my musical evolution.

Anyway... Other songs on the list brought back connotations to whatever lil girl I had a silent crush on at the time, a road trip my family took, random argument I had with my big sister or friend. So the question I pose is...Was music really better when I was younger (90's) then now? No...i'm not talking about Nelly...Although... it WAS "different". Were was the days of the shiny suit revolution (Puff Daddy and the Family) better than the current days of Snappin rap of all sorts and whatever 50 cent tells us to listen to? Or forget rap...How about Is Chris Brown singing "gimmie that" and krumpin' better than R. Kelly and...ANY song he did in the 90's? I think i know the answer to this... But I like to check myself as a person every so often just to make sure I don't end up like Tom Cruise saying there's no such thing as depression.

On the new job.... Its something i've expierenced once before when I was a trainer for the track team... But its a really different feeling to work with other Black people. After just leaving a job in which i got along with everyone tremendously and really had a lot of fun there is nothing like being around a group of Black people to make you feel immiedetly comfortable. Having spent most of my life around white people I'm more then comfortable talking to, chillin with, just general being around white people, but it still amazes me how I can IMMIEDETELY be comfortable talking to someone with skin the same color as mine. Its not big things that anybody other then the people involved would see or notice, but little things like, a incredibly random reference to the Steve Harvey show (seriously... you can't tell me most white people even knew there WAS a steve harvey show not to mention the middle name of Cedric (the entertainer) wife. In the long run I might still end up hating them. But on a kinda quasi (but not quite) shallow level it really makes a difference.

I kind of wonder whether its the same for white folks sometimes. Whether they have a big feeling of comfortablity while around other white folks instead of those of other pesky races. Then of course as soon as I typed that statement and realized that although i'm sure that is of course the case on some level. White people are ALWAYS around other caucasians. Its one reason why so many do feel uncomfortable around alot of Black people or just minorities in general. As a Black person, an experience around alot of Black people especially in a work enviornement is a unique experience and situation (even if the job IS in chocolate city).

Out of every "black/racial" themed book I've read, for some reason the book that hit the "black experience" on the head the most was a book by W.E.B. Dubois where he described what was essentially a dichotomy (duality or two-facedness) of being a Black person. Its the kind of duality that in one interview I can engender myself to a boss by telling a story of a white girl trying to screw me out of a project for debatedly racial reasons then being intimidated when confronted. But then in another interview immiedetely connect with the interviwer over Maxim and Angelina Joli. (Yes...i realize those are all random intervew subjects...What can i say, i have amazing interview skills)

The point is that both parts are still me, i'm not fakin', posing or pretending, just identifying with the person i'm talking to. There is no doubt in my mind that it is easier to find ways identify with another black person but that's not to say you can't and won't more with a white person. But the difference between me, as a black person, and a white person is that I DO have to have these different parts to me. But one side (guess which side) has to lay dormant most of the time . Not having that side be "dormant" where I spend most of my lighted hours makes a big difference in the comfortability of my everyday life.

And once again...I became bored with my own writing so whatever i was thinking about saying earlier when i first started typing....I forgot either because Flavor of Love came on or became distracted by aim conversation... Oh well

2006-08-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

Things I'm going to do with my newfound wealth:

1. At least one pair of jordan's... PrEferably the 14's. But i'm still Not payIng 100 buckS for them.

2. Pinky and the Brain dvd

3. A 2005 Maxima or a 2003 Audi Quattro or TT

4. A pinky ring (pimp reference)

5. A nice shirt

6. Some clean drawles

7. A redskins, wizards and oriole's hat

8. Hooker

9. Go to a comedy club

10. Tickets to a redskins game

11. Tickets to a wizards game

12. One of the new advanced gaming systems coming out... I"m trying to hold off on the xbox 360...OR maybe just my ps2 fixed

13. A basketball

14. A system for my car...If i don't get a car

15. A watch

16. Some fronts

17. Colored contacts

18. A white tiger

19. A midget

20. 2 Hookers

Penis

2006-08-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

A Change Gone Come... That's the name of a song by Sam Cooke and one of my favorite songs ever whiich also serves to kinda remind me how life is so circular and things constantly change and eventualy things get better. For every negative there's a positive. I finally got a job. It actually disturbs me just how much that fact has actually meant deep down to me. After finding out on friday suddenly I can walk up to a girl and not have to worry about the inevitable question "so what do you do" and i don't have to give the bs answer "i just graduated a few months ago". I don't think it was a major source eating away at my self confidnce, but when i think about my mindset now compared to say....a week ago there's a considerable difference even if i never bring it up. That one change in my life gives me the ability to live on my own (comfortably) along with do so many of the things I've wanted to do for myself and those i care about.

Its weird that there are times when I can swear that i'm psychic because a few months ago there was a "feeling" i had that my life would change. Not just in terms of a job, but females, my own mental health and my family. At this point I think i'm just at the tip of the iceberg with a new job, numbers, my parents talking about moving to the desert, and my sister going to have another baby.... I can very quickly see my childhood zooming away in the rear view mirror. Right now i'm holding on by a string to lil hak.

I would also just like to mention that I have gotten EVERY SINGLE job I've ever actually interviewed for. Whether i've taken each is another story. But I think now that i'm actually in the "real world" that has got to say something either about my ability to lie with a straight face, or sweet talk both males and females (yes...males and females i'm not gettin on my knees for no dudes but saying "yo son...you got some nice eyes" goes a long way to a job) Still though...11 job interviews 11 offers. That settles it..I'm the most likeable guy on the face of the earth. Be happy you know me.

Soon to come...a list of things i'm buying with my newfound richness

2006-08-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a totally non- thoughtful blog:
My favorite songs....

You got me- The Roots and Erykah Badu: Yes...i also just HAPPEN to be listening to it on my ipod... But it is also one of my top 10 songs ever due to the richness of instrumentals, the storytelling dynamic between Black Thought and Ms. Badu. Seriously this was like the biggest "neo-soulish" song to ever come out. Oh yes and lets not forget began Erykah's trend of making previously sane people insane continuing with Common (for about a 5 yr span dude had a headwrap, toga and the album Electric circus was the craziest piece of business i've heard behind.... The Love Below... Yes....Erykah Badu messed up Andre 3000's mind too. He was still rapping on Stankonia. By the time she got rid of him he was wearing platform shoes and was singing to people about their sh*t not stinking).

If I ruled the World: Nas feat. Lauren Hill: I'll be honest... I like my rap mellowed out with a r&b singer on the track. Sure its not the most gangsta thing in the world to prefer but who needs to be gangsta if you got a 10 inch dick? Anyway besides Lauren's part I have always really felt Nas' "dream" of what the world should be. And adding her voice to his words kinda makes you FEEL him and the vibe of the song. I could legitametly imagine Rosa Parks walking along snowden river parkway with a line of almost free slaves singing it. (Too far? ok...maybe)

"Sleeping in my Bed"- Dru Hill: Anybody who knows me KNOWS this was coming. May be my favorite song of all time. And lets not to mention who can't love the video where we find out who's been "sleeping in sisqo's bed"...ANOTHER GIRL!!! Ah.... That one rocked my 13 yr old world. Besides that when listening to that song i genuinly believe Sisqo had actually found a girl in his bed sleeping with his woman. Listen to that song... You can feel his pain with every consonant uttered. If i listen to this song at the wrong time there are times i may be brought to an occasional tear and possibly a sniffle. Oh yes...and i totally forgot about the remix. That and the Lets Get Married Remix are like my two favorite r&b remixes ever...

5 Steps- Dru Hill: I like Dru Hill.... I loved this song even before i knew it was Dru Hill. I think there are actually home video's of me singing this song around the house as a 12 or 13 yr old. That...and the Lion King.

No Diggity- Blackstreet: The first time I actually heard this song was when my mom brought home the music video (we weren't allowed to watch mtv/bet) because she was supposed to make up a "school anthem" to that beat/song. But despite hearing the song about 50 times in one night...I love it to this day. Oh yeah AND there was a brief appearance by Lil Penny in this video. Or maybe it was just some dolls being Blackstreet, but because all black bobble head dolls look alike I think it was Lil Penny. Whatever...

Your All I Need- Method Man and Mary J: Probably thought of as the best Hip-hop/r&b collabo in history this one of course makes my list. I can't really even think of a song like it up till that point. And nowaday's like every other song on the radio is a sad sad clone. First off Method Man's flow is works perfectly with how smooth and playerish he spits each verse. But still somehow it remains grimy and masculine (compared to lets say...Chingy and Tyrese...Tyrese's part is hot but Chingy sounds like a lil kid who's constipated.)

Smooth Criminal- Micheal Jackson: Its a given that MJ was gonna be up on here. In an effort not to put 10 of his songs on here this is PROBABLY my favorite one. This is another one that the video probably helps when i think about this song. This is my singular most favoritist (i know that's not a word) of all time. Yes...more than thriller, bad or any other video. I don't know if i can fully describe how gangsta I thought dude was. Sure i was 5 but I was this close to sleeping in my one white glitter glove every night.

Hard Knock Life- Jay-Z: Maybe its because i had to watch the movie Annie while my mom did my older sister's hair all the time when i was really young. Or its because the hook really applies to life in the city. Seroiusly though i think this is probably Jay-Z's best song when taking into account lyrics, hook, message and flow. And all this combined with it actually sounding good.

Living in the City- Stevie Wonder: My favorite song not made while I was on this earth. This is actually a pretty conscious song but there's something about the way its sung that REALLY makes me feel this. He's just not singing the words he's crying the words. FEEEELIN' it. I guess when it comes to music it should be obvious by now that things that i like are things that really touch me either mentally, physically or emotionally. Or a combination of all three...Such as this song.

Pony- Ginuwine: Ok....I wanna be a stripper. Suck my dick

Ready or Not- The Fugee's: "I'll be defecatin on yo microphone like nina simone" Lauren Hill is like that nastiest (in a good way...forget about the defecating part) female mc possibly ever). Who cares that Pras was like the most forgettable member of the group, Wyclef was even spittin some fire on the track. And lets not forget the unforgettable hook. Which by itself can also signal to your girl your about to go to sleep........

Slippin'- DMX: The first song on this list where nobody's singing... What most people don't know about me is that I used to have a thing for DMX (no karamo). I think he was actually one of the first cd's i ever brought (and hid from my mom). This song is actually pretty dark but the feel and lyrics of it give you a deep understanding of his mindset as a lil "dog" comin up.... (on crack) I guess you could say this is the aggressive, slightly confrontational side of me that rarely comes out (unless i'm competing for something).

Ordinary People- John Legend: The newest song on this list by far. If I was ever to compose a song...This would be it...Except with a violin instead of a piano (semantics semantics) Remember how i said I "feel" music...This is like the epitome of it to me.

Freakin' you (remix)- Jodeci: Cuz i'm a freak. And KC and Jo jo are even bigger ones....

Just missed: "My Way"- Usher, "Thug Love"- Tupac feat. bone thugz, "Crossroads"- Bone Thugs, Notorious Thugs- Biggie feat. Bone thugs, Nothin Matters- Lauryn Hill feat. D'Angelo, Ether- Nas, Humpty Dance- Digital Underground (i'm soooo serious) Jodeci- Lately, London Bridge- Fergie (just kidding)

2006-08-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

I guess i'm in need of some more therapy....So to my blog I come.

I would probably say i have a number of things on my mind but lets just focus on the most interesting (for other people).

That of course would be females...
Now for me it is a very rare occasion when I can't tell what a person is thinking by their actions, words, body language, all of that. I infact pride myself on my perceptivness. Of course I didn't really realize how much I rely on this until suddenly I can't do it for somebody. I'm not really the kind of person who asks for advice from people or searches top to bottom to understand a person's (female) actions. Infact besides a few choice words from close friends I almost always act soley on my own thoughts. Having said that... It is really amazing just how other people can better understand a situation that you are in wheras you have all sorts of things clouding your thoughts when actually experiencing it.

Anyway...I've gotten slightly off topic... The woman. I can't read her. I can not think of a single female I haven't been able to read/understand either right off the bat at LEAST within a first meeting. In my old age i've grown comfortable with this way of going about my female business. Sure...it has gotten me next to nowhere. But i never said knowing what's going on allows you to execute the right move at the right time at the right moment. And lets not forget girls from the age of 18-25 are not amazingly smart (supposedly a part of male/female brain used for judgement becomes innactive when you hit puberty and does not return till somewhere between 23-27... As my mom likes to say "i'm still waiting for you to get your brain back")

So what does all this unassuredness mean? It means that I'm totally captivated with the challenge... That was kinda a hard statement to admit (even if nobody's gonna see it but me) I'm intrigued by someone who has so many extrinsic attributes that I REALLY look for in a girl. But at the same time won't let me break her (fully... i am still "bighak"). So basically i sit here annoyed that I've even spent the time to put such thought into one person, enough to type about it. And then the fact that I now have to go through juvinile games (i ABHORE games more then a 14 yr old diabetic kid with asthma, glasses and overall lack of coordination that will probably lead him to a life behind a desk) because I moved my king out of position too early (chess) and now i have to proceed to bring out the stank treatment by ignoring and witholding emotion... Serves the b*^&h right... We'll see whether anything comes of all this. If not imma keep it movin like your bowels after eating a lot of ruffage (4.5 yrs as a kines major has greatly expanded my repetoir of metaphors).

In retrospect I find it really funny how the less attention I've shown to a female in my life the more success I have had (sometimes by accident). Even back in high school when not showing a girl attention was really me just not knowing how to "hit" on a girl this "technque" served me waaaaay better then it should have (i can't help that I look good...for all you ugly people out there the success may vary a tad more). Then upon entering college someone (my mom) put the idea in my head that I should actually be nice to girls. So the end result has been the wrong girls (most....not all) swangin from the ballzack. Even female scenario's that worked reasonably well essentially came from my indifference (when older) or general lack of openness (younger...ok maybe a lil older too) So basically what i'm saying is girls make guys act like dicks (and by that i mean just lay there in the cut then come to life when a move needs to be made....sorry...that was unneccesary forget i ever said that). As humans people tend to acclimate to whatever rewards them with the most success, for guys that ends up being treating the girl in a way less then they probably should be treated... Some guys stay treating the girls like this, others just protect themselves, but the ones who don't... Get walked over. Sad but true. This isn't just my opinion, I've talked to a NUMBER of males and females about this. And i'm pretty sure this is a certifiable fact.

Download the new John Legend song - Save Room

2006-07-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

So i'm sitting here typing this because right now I'm nervous, I'm nervous because i have a REAL world interview of a job i might theoretically take. And frankly when I am anticipating something my mind becomes extremely hyper active. I'm not even gonna front like i might not have a slightly overactive mind anyway. So here i am typing away on blogspot eating some ice cream and a couple hostess cupcakes at 1 in the morning when in reality i should be getting ready for bed cuz i got a 10 am interview. But...f it. Instad i sit here wondering why in the world this fruit of the loom commercial has a man dressed as a apple singing about not over loving your underwear. Having said that...he sounds good. Who would've thought a man dressed in a apple costume could make loving your undewear sound good. I try to sing about your mom's drawal's (drawers) but for some reason it just ain't poppin' the same way.

I don't know where my random bouts of "ebonics" comes from. I think internally there is a battle between my bmore side and my columbia side so I end up mixing phrases such as "yo son...why was that dude bogarting the ball so much?" Actual phrase from yours truly. Bogarting (spell check) btw means "monopolizing" or in that context "hogging".

If there is one person out there who's personality I look at who I might pattern myself on or want to be like (you know if "big hak wasn't good enough). It would be Puff Daddy (ok...Jaime Foxx too...But lets focus) Maybe i'm unintensionally letting out a man crush here but that Puff has this amazing swagger that just commands respect everywhere he goes. And this is a dude who was born in VA and went to college at Howard. But he walks around KNOWING he's a G. Some people have an aura about them that makes people feel or look at you a certain way. I just look at that dude on tv and know a couple of things... One....My sister would immiedietely drop her drawers for him. Two... His hair cutter must make ALOT of dough for giving him hourly shapeups. (seroiusly...look at him...have you EVER seen him with a single hair out of line. Even on his goatee?) And three... He immiedetely gets respects from everyone he encounters. Swagger is that amazing thing that is abstract but incredibly tangible at the same time. Cuz you KNOW when somebody has it. You can feeeeeel it. You can see it. But if i asked you describe what makes somebody have it. I'd get the stuck face. I think one of the reasons so many athletes, entertainer's, and overall really rich people have people react to them with such awe, envy and respect (?) is how they carry themselves. An air of confidence goes a long way when talking to people. By about sophmore yr at CP I learned while playing basketball that when making a call if you say it with enough essertion (even if its blatantly wrong) people will go with what you say like 90% of the time. Same with answering a question from some random person or talking to a female. If you ACT like you know and say it like you were born doing it... Nobody questions you. Whether its right or wrong this is a big part of swagger. And why is swagger so important on a everyday basis? Because I estimate 85% (probably higher) of the people you encounter on a everyday basis don't have that 100% confidence in their physical, mental, emotional self to exhibit it. (Why do you think Donald Trump STILL wears that same tupee after all these years...He obviousely just doesn't care and is good with himself) I once...saw Micheal Jordan walking to his car (from a long distance) and just the swagger in his walk and the way he carried himself made me take another step back. (Seriously i actually tripped off the curb and got some wet kinda stankish curb juice on my fresh Keds...) Even from 100 yards away i knew... Micheal Jordan does not have "penis envy".

According some who see me on a everday basis I seem to have a lil swag. My little brother says i "walk cool" there's a general consensus from a couple girls/women (at what age do i start calling grown females "women") that I just "seem" like i have "a lot of female friends". That's all well and good but I want to make sure everytime I speak, walk into a room and just LOOK at somebody...Even with sunglasses on (i want you to be like "oooh sh*t I better be looking at big hak in the eye.....He might be looking at me) I want them to either think or know that I'm somebody and I need to recieve the kind of respect only given to somebody who is worth more your grandparents social security plans (rich grandparents).

Who would've thought that a random posting brought on by hyperness would've ended in me talking about Puffy and me walking tall swangin a big dick. (aka swagger)....No Karamo

Quote of the week from work:
Old dude (who also happens to be an alchohalic) comes from the bathroom up to the gym area of my clinic, on the way he stops by his therapist (female) who is standing next to another young therapist (female). Comment: "I'll have to tell *insert finance manager's name* not to overcharge me cuz my balls were getting a bath while i was in the bathroom.
*Proceeds to sing (in the tune of "do your ears hang low") "Do your balls hang low do they wabble to and fro...ect ect"
I kid you not...

Two of my favorite songs of all time is Tyrese "Sweet Lady" and "Lately"

Also..I am reaaaally kinda feelin' Justin Timberlake's new song "Sexyback". One...I like the double entendre in the name. Cuz i've always found a sexy back very sexy... I'm seroius... What's hotter then a girl with nice latissmuss dorsi (lats) or perhaps defined rhomboids. Aaaaaaand of course a big phat phatty. But yeah...the song is all super funky fresh and it makes me want to get my "cool walk" on. Oooor perhaps watch the club scene from Blade.

I'm a fan JT

2006-07-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

One of the best parts of living at home (yes...that's right...there are good things) is that now at the ripe old age of 23 I am FINALLY relating to my parents and more specifically my mom...On an adult level. Now sure its not like i stopped talkin to them the moment i hit my teens but as every college and post college student knows... Its a while beforeyou just enjoy random conversations without fear of repercussions or a lecture. Along with that actually speaking as two people rather then just son and mother/father.
So I bring this up because I had a extremely interesting conversation with my mom the other night regarding my older sister (26). It seems that unbeknownst to myself until VERY recently my big sis has a level of resentment toward me. I guess its typical sibling rivarly/jealousy, but i had previously thought we were abstained from it. I guess because i never felt it.

Now the interesting stuff... According to my mother her resentment was two-fold. She was the oldest by 3 years, had asthma and essentially was used to a lot of attention. Then big hak came through like a pimp needing his money. The other reason though... was because I'm light skinned...

A little background... For those uninformed... I am considered pretty light skinned for a black person and my sister is dark. Infact much darker then me. Enough so you honestly wouldn't think we were siblings. Now in black culture historically light has always been right. For decades historically black universities would only allow black folk in who were "lighter then a brown paper bag". (I have you ever seem dem sh*ts?) During slavery all the light skinned slaves tended to be the "house slaves" mainly since they tended to be the master's offspring. You can also look at literally EVERY single famous black person up till Eddie Murphey... ALL light skinned. MLK jr. Yup, Malcom X...Absolutely...even had red eyes and straight hair. W.E.B. Dubois, supposedly he could've passed for white. To get a good idea of just how big the whole skin tone issue is in the black community, there is a BIG family in Prince George's county who in breeded with each other for YEARS for the sole purpose of maintaining their light complexion. I kid you not... If you do a google search you will see HOUNDREDS of years of "Proctor's marrying Savoy's". Infact... Our very own Chris McCray is one of them (notice his skin?). One of my roommates was a Proctor, a woman who works with my mom is too....Do any of them know each other? Nope. As you can see.... Us colored people are kinda sick in the head.

Anyway...onto the subject at hand.... According to my mom from the time I was born I was constantly fondled over, given compliments I was the one who constantly receieved the stupid remarks from random people like "aaaaw look at him...isn't he so cute" or "he's gonna be a lady killer in a few years". Even as we got older relatives would talk about me or my sister's frinds my fawn over her "cute little brother". Supposedly her friends were even givin a brotha love the one year we were in high school together. So ok yes....I was and have never been the most cursed elf in the evil witches kingdome. But my sister isn't the boogie man either. She never had a problem getting a boyfriend and probably dated more then me before her marriage. But the years of being overlooked by relatives, random old black ladies in the supermarket and well meaning random menepausal women caused her to feel a certain way about me and herself.

As a light skinned black guy I have never had to hear a joke related to being light skinned. No "OOOOH there you are....i just thought i was looking at the stars...." or perhaps "if you don't brush your teeth and you keep your mouth open you can serve as our flashlight". You get the point. I have a friend who is extremely dark and he heard all sorts of "dark" jokes while he was younger. This is what my sister went through all the while having people swangin on her little brother's sack. This...is why it seems that darker skinned black people might very well be a bit more "angry" then us mulatto's.

Now of course since my sister is now 26 and i am 23 you would think these feelings would no longer exist (or at least not as much) BUT... she has a baby.... A baby who happens to look EXACTLY like me when i was little.... (Brief aside... only in a black family could you have a mother and father one dark one light...who has one dark... one light skinned child.. Then have the dark skinned daughter give birth to a light skinned kid with Justin Guirini hair.) Anyway the treatment persists everytime somebody touches the baby's hair (noticing its not quite as "nappy" as the mother's), or remarks on the baby's color. OR in a actual event... My mother and sister are at some place, black woman comes up and IGNORES my sister and says to my mom (who is also light skinned) "aaaaw what a beautiful baby you must be so proud of him" and "I know your a proud mom". TOTALLY ignoring my sister.

So... you need a reason for Micheal Jackson's skin change?
Or perhaps why there is a lot of black self hatred?
Why do most of the black chicks have straight hair when we know good and well it ain't real?
How about look to see the amount of rich and famous Blacks who are dark (not African or athletes).
This is a problem totally unique to American Blacks and another thing that makes it that much harder for us as a group/culture to gain equality.

2006-07-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

So the other night while at the gym I saw my very best friend from around 5th grade through high school. Sure he was at least 70 lbs heavier had a big jew fro and more facial hair then all the years i knew him combined but somehow I still recognized him from across the gym as he recognized me. Although i'm sure i look much more similar to how i looked when i was 10 then he did. Just add100 lbs a 6 o'clock shadow and a bit more swagger. The funny thing about seeing him was that by the end of high school our friendship had deteriorated to a certain extent as he tried to become "cool" rather then live his high school life as a faceless high school middle man. Every so often i'll have a conversation with one of my high school friends who also knew him about how he "changed". The fact of the matter is that he never REALLY changed, its just that he took who he was and took it to a bigger audience. And in fact.... I knew that was what he wanted and that it would inevitably happen. During a conversation I had with him in 8th grade science I tested him on how he wanted to be the leader/president of everything. And his response was that he planned on leading everything once we got to high school. In reality he just had that kinda innate competitiveness to be better then everyone else aka...be cool. The moment he made the hammond high school jv baseball team it was probably the beginnng of the end. At some point I got tired of only meeting him at his locker rather then him coming to mine. Our lunch partners went from a nice composition of different but not "uncool" people to by sophomore yr he made the big move up to a table with one cool person and a couple people who knew the cool person. He also decided to play jv football despite his height of 5'8 110, and wrestled. In the meantime I don't really know where i was. I guess i was fine with myself. My biggest question was to join him at a slightly cooler table, go over to the black table (with all 3 people sitting there) stay at the not all that cool table with the one or two people i was comfortbale with and where my friend had previously been before he made his move.... My decision was to go cool. I guess i wasn't that fine with myself. Granted i didn't like half the people at the not so cool table. And the cool table had more..."cooler" people and were probably more similar to me. But...my "friend" was no longer quite my friend at this table. Of course we stayed cool the rest of high school but it was no longer the same as our younger yrs when we were best of friends. We had a lot of classes together, talked on aim even would've been roommates if I had gone to Towson. But...it was never the same. I'm not even really sure at what point all lines of communication were eventually cut (i'm thinking sometime around soph. yr) but everytime we randomly see each other, whether its at a random club, walking in college park, or at the gym we both greet each other like we are in 6th grade again. I guess its just the way of the world (especially adolescence) that people either grow further apart or closer together as what matters to them personally in their life changes. Its also why I now understand my mom telling me when i was little how the friends you meet in college, (No...not just the acquaintances but REAL ride or die friends) are the ones you ride with through your adult life. (At least till someone who is easily whipped gets married...)

2006-06-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

A subject i've always found interesting....."Wiggers" or otherwise thought of as White people who have tasted dark meat....

I have always been very intrigued at not really how Black people react to these caucasians with a lil imp in there pimpin but actually more how White people react to their own "acting" like this. The reason why i examine white people's own thoughts and interactions with this phenomena is because most black people... Don't really care. And infact as long as that person is "real" then they are embraced as much as any other black person. This does not include someone who is obvoiusely being extremely fake and not themselves. But I don't see many Black people hatin on a european american who (to quote Brandy) "wants to be down with what we're go-ing through".

Now white people on the other hand REALLY be hatin on these melanin challenged almost-brotha's. I will never forget my fresh. engl. 101 class where we had a discussion about this kid in a dorm (which just also happened to be mine) about this white dude who "acted black". Sure...the kid was kinda wealthy and from a connecticut subarb. But he talked with a accent wore baggy clothes, loved to ball, had quite a knowledge of hip hop music, and generally was laid back and cool. Somehow...this made him "acting black".

Another example, a coworker who honestly is kiiinda white but I guess she identifies with Black people (went to Long Reach) sometimes let some "ebonics" slip, might be prone to rockin a white tee and perhaps a fitted. In response these slip ups a older therapist (think 37) would constantly remark on it. Another coworker (think preppy rich white kid) would make fun of this every so often. My question...is why?

I've even heard various white friends be called "black" or some sort of variances to insinuate they were acting "black". Or one of my favorite terms... "niggerish". Cuz usually when a person makes fun of another person... They don't usually use a term they think of as positive. Hence...saying "you act black" is not REALLY a compliment (at least in the speaker's head). Its like this is said in a derogatory term. Just cuz you know how to interact with different races or date, or be friends with... Doesn't actually mean anything. Or at least to me. But there seems to be a double standard amongst white people that there is.

This...is why when i hear white people say this...Its actually more insulting then actually calling ME or another blackperson a derogatory term ormaking fun of us. Because its essentially saying (in a extremely inverse multiple step thought process way) that its better to be white. Think about it...That line of thought although not conscious is implied. No answers, no solutions I just wonder whether this will die off as hip hop continue's to take over. At some point.....TAKING OVER THE WORLD...mwhahahahahahahahaha

2006-06-22T00:31:00.000-07:00

As I am now 23 yrs old very often I take a look at myself, the world around me and the people I interact and suround myself with on a daily basis. I often have tried to figure out why i am the way i am, why others are how they are. The great nature vs. nurture debate for all you psych. fans out there. The question I have always come back to involves high school and to a lesser degree, college (HBCU?). I am a 23 yr old black man born in Baltimore City but went to high school and middle school in Columbia. So the question is...would i really be much different if perhaps I had stayed in Bmore? Would i have developed differently or just in a different way?

If you ever talk to someone who's maybe a yr or two removed from high school they still talk about it like it was just yesterday and its essentially the highlite of their lives. Its their only frames of reference for life and they often compare everything to it. Basically it has a HUGE affect on our lives and how we develop as people.

Me in high school....
I NEVER thought of myself as a nerd. I guess other people might have. I never actually conducted myself as a "nerd" would. Infact....i wasn't even THAT good a student. I just got by on my natural smarts and my still present ability to charm teachers into giving me a better grade then i deserved. I didn't do nearly as many sports in high school as I would've thought i would do. Mainly because i was lazy (in the way that I had always been naturally good at EVERYTHING) but also because I was responsible for my two younger siblings and at times another baby at various points.

What i'm getting at is that in terms of social interaction... Most of it was done during school. In classes. With white people. With white people who were not QUITE like me...For reasons i couldn't quite put a finger on. To be short... I didn't REALLY like that many people. Being in "smart" classes put me with the same 3 black girls and 1 black guy throughout high school. Having said all that i've never felt the need to "be apart" so it was whatever to me.
But the question I really have is how all that affects me now.

In a totally random deep conversation I had with my mom a little while ago I came to the realization/got out of her that essentially all the activities she put me and my older sister in were all intentionally so we would not be in the mold of "a black child". Hence...violin abd piano lessons, horseback riding, tennis, soccer, a appreciation for musicals and classical music, having a talent for fencing, acting, wanting to be a veternarian while younger. In some totally unknown way i'm pretty sure this affected who i am as a person... How i have no clue. I think my dick is the same size which means i'm still black. She never succeeded in putting me in ballet (not only would i not allow it...but my dad as a black man has limits....) which means that I don't walk bowlegged....

Sooooo even if I had stayed in Baltimore city I don't think i would be any different then I am now as a person because of my exposure to so many different things. Those things didn't make me want to be white. Just gave me an appreciation for wide variety of experiences. What i didn't mention was that along with all those other "experiences" we were also watched and read ALOT of different african american history and literature. The same goes with high school. Sure i had to deal with lil anglo a-holes saying i'm "trying to be black" by getting a Fubu shirt for christmas, or perhaps trying to pick on the smart black kid but not ACTUALLY having anything to say... (seroiusly....back then i didn't even wear glasses...there was literally NOTHING to make fun of me for). I phrase it as i did because kids literally tried to make fun of me only because it was their chance to make fun of a black kid without fear of having their turn at puberty stunted. And no... i was not devasted either then or now about it... Everybody gets teased in high school...Its just that these little dermatologist dream children weren't smart enough (or of course having white parents...) to think of anything else.

So for a little while I really contemplated if this experience hindered my development as a person emotionally or socially or whatever. Would I be different if I had just been one of many Black people? The final answer.... is yes...but not really.

The only thing I can think high school maaay have affected was that I wasn't pushed to be that pro athlete I felt i was destined to be the moment i skipped crawling to run. I KNOW it affected my experience with girls. Suuure I talked to girls in high school, had a few romantic rendevouz but honestly...I'm a extremely sexy black man with a personality that was being witheld for people who deserved it. (aka only in certain classes at certain times and not all the time till college) So yeah... when i talk to friends who went to high schools in bmore or PG or even at Long Reach... Females would've been the biggest difference. Maybe i wouldn't be the "emotional/mental playa" i am (physical?) if i had...Or maybe all girls wouldn't be germs in my petri dish to examine and perhaps prod intermettantly while on looking at them.

So the final conclusion I've made is infact who i REALLY am as a person is a direct product of how I was raised rather then where i've lived. Now if my PARENTS hadn't been raised in Bmore.... Now thats a whole different story.

I should print this out and give it to my mom....

2006-06-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't made a female related entry in a little bit. So i pose an interesting situation.
3 females....
1 White pretty decent looking (i guess...think facebook) has ALOT of similar music interests (i'm a big believer in music says a lot about a person), student at umcp two yrs younger
1 Hispanic EXTREMELY hot listens to groups like Goo Goo dolls, Chilli Peppers, OAR. Read between the lines... Combined with the fact that she's a hispanic chick who couldn't really dance....???.... She's EXTREMELY caucasian. Oh yeah...she's also 25 and a student at Georgtown med school.
1 Black girl looks good has similar major (exercise science) and the same goals right down to favoring George Washington's PT school. But... essentially i know very little else other then general personality things that I pick up cuz i'm obvservant. Caveat... good friend kinda sorta hollerin despite the likely hood of anything going down rather unlikely due to distance.

So...3 different scenario's 3 different females. Theoretically "Daddy" from a few yrs ago would've said no to the white chick, Not bothered to call Hispanic one, And stepped back on black one.
As you can see there are pluses and minuses to all of them. But honestly what I actually find interesting about it all is not which one to choose or choose all of em or any of that. My difference in thinking of all of them.
I try to be honest with myself and frankly... When i saw this white girl my thought was "HA...i can't believe she's tryin to holla"
Hispanic girl "yeeeessss she's not 18 (seriously...that was what i first thought when she said med school...i know...go figure) AND she's hot...so hot....mmmm.....hot"
Black girl " I see..."
So...i was humored by white girl, enamored with hispanic girl and was whatever with black girl.
And i could make the case that my reaction was soley because of race. Why?
Deep in the recesses of my mind I didn't/don't think a white girl would work out long term or just thought i was "a hot black guy", a hispanic girl is something new and interesting/"exotic" (sadly what girls of other races think of black men)
And the black girl was whatever cuz its just status quo. Neither good or bad... Nothing horrible nothing new
Keep in mind none of these are actually conscious thoughts but more of a mindset stumbled on while finding the cumulative situation unique due to the differences of the females.
So because of this... This post is going to be open ended...No solutions just a thought.

2006-06-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

Doing this whole "working all the time" thing has had such a odd affect that now...I go to happy hours. I have never been one to ebrace new people past a work relationship but now...I actually go out and drink in social settings? It must help that 3 of them are hot mid 20 something females. Anyway... Here's a list of things I wouldn't know and never had guessed about my coworkers if alchohal wasn't involved.

Girls tell penis size by whether they can "one hand...or two hand it"

One coworker had 7 piercings (all are not above shoulders)

Another coworker has 11

A girl has done X before sex

Its all about the width (although...i think that's the old chick (ok 36) trying to suck up to the other dude that was there (35))

One has had a threesome

Another seemingly innocent girl shaves her cha cha

Sex feels better with no hair down thair (for females)
(quote from me... "pears are better then peaches")

One has had sex with 30 some dudes

The one guy has done everything including shrums, X, crack (once) and of course that sticky icky

One chick is a big fan of the "vertical mamba" rather then the horizontal one

I seem like i could've had sex with triple digit girls

One is very possibly still a virgin (the hottest one... go figure)'

The 26 yr old married one LOVES "the brotha's"

The 36 yr old is EXTREMELY horny

It seems that gay dudes can have sex facing each other..... (as told to me by the girls who saw a picture on "craigs list" which is some website)

Within 5 yrs of being a physical therapist....You should be making over 100G's or the level of a general practitioner.

Margharita's are good.... Especially 3 dollar ones

I could be a stripper if pt school doesn't work out

I seem like is should be a big fan of that wacky weed

(Sidenote... I've heard this a number of times including when i worked at Lonestar, but almost always from white people...I have yet to decide whether this is a borderline racist thought or whether i'm just so laid back it seems that I'm constantly puffin on that good stuff.)

My boss makes 5 figure bonus's each MONTH we do well.............

New PT's in California can make 72Gs

2006-06-05T01:03:00.000-07:00

You could call this my ode to music...
If i were ever stranded on a desert island and i had to pick one thing other then food to be stranded with...It would be music. I absolutely LOVE sports...yes... But the intense joy I feel when my team wins has the alternative side of extreme disappointment that hurts to my inner core (sure...that sounds a TAD extreme....but i'm just being honest with myself).
Back to music... Music gives me a certain sense of elation that i get no where else. Whether the music is happy or sad it always feels uplifting to me as long as its heartfelt. I can listen to Dru Hill scream out "sleeping in my bed" all day long. I don't care if there was a dirty whore sleeping in his bed with another woman (music video) something about the earnestness Sisqo says it with makes me feel his pain but also love hearing it at the same time. Everytime the end of that song comes I'm just like "MAN dawg....i feel you son....." And i've never even had a another person in my bed....Or something like that. (You know what i mean)

Truthfully...I like hiphop...But i LOVE r&b. For me hip hop is intellectual (and if its not then either your not listening....or it doesn't really need to be listened to) but r&b is from the heart. I think to a certain extent it just caters to me. Cater's to how i think and how i respond to thoughts and/or emotions. Although i'm not a overly emotional person I tend to "feel" or sense a feeling of a person or situation more then the average person so when i hear someone singing I truly enjoy the feeling of having a erson bare all of their inner emotions at that moment to me. I have ALWAYS had a thing for girls who have artistic talent. And girls that sing... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................. I can honestly say the one way a girl could ever make me cry... Sing. Not that i've actually done it. But i know its possible with the right girl singing the right way and right thing.

If there is one secret (or maybe not so secret) ambition that I have is to sing for people. To release whatever it is that i release (hot air?) when i do it. I don't even need all of the fame, glory or women (notice i left out money) that go along with it. Just the experience of doing it and getting that audience feel me. I've made two different girls (not my mom) cry by singing. The kines major in me thinks there has to be some sort of release in hormones/pharamone's that makes me feel a certain way when doing it along with the audience.... Lets just go with hornyness for now...

I've been slacking on these blogs. I'll start them but after while i'll tart to become bored with my own typing. So.... the point is I love music. Music makes me happy. Music makes me "high" (early 90's hip hop). Music makes me wanna cry and music definetley makes me dance. In conclusion...if i didn't have music... I'm not sure who i'd be. (probably Hakeem).

2006-05-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

I heard the beat and I ain't know what to write
First line, should it be about the hos or the ice?
Four-four's or black christ?
Both flows would be nice
Rap about big paper or the black man's plight

That Nas' opening line from the Kanye song "We Major". There will be no breakdown or analysis of this line. I simply put it up because that line tooootally exemplifies my thoughts when i write or when i have serious thoughts about society, life or myself....and blogging.
So i'm settling for somewhere in between.

I can honestly say my weekend in Ocean City was incredibly amazing and I might not have been able to have anymore fun. I think this might have legitimitly been the first time in forever that I was able to just do whatever for 4 straight days and not think about a single worry I have.
I'm sure you theoretical blog readers out there are wondering what different goings on I experienced in OC instead of good ole Columbia MD. Well... nothing was actually THAT different. But the feeling of being seperated from "life", chillin' hard with people you normally can't chill with 24-7 like a flashback of college felt good.

On a sidenote... (i don't care if this sounds sexist or whatever) 30% of Americans are fat. Frankly Ocean City just brought this fact home. And because of this there are times I feel like there's a big lack of women even available that i'd even wanna talk to. I don't feel bad about saying this because I try to be a healthy person physically so how could i want to chill with someone who doesn't also see that as important.

More to come about OC when i feel like it....

2006-05-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog for me...
Today was the official confirmation of my graduation 3 months after i actually finished all my coursework. Its totally crazy how many different emotions you can have on a day like that. I'm not sure whether i was caught up in my own emotion or everyone else's. The most amazing moment was walking through ritchie with masses of people crushing in on you not only onthe floor but above you in stands. It felt like being a gladiator and walking into a colloseum. (Feel free to make whatever connections to life from that analogy).
During the course of the day so many people came up to me said wassup or congragulated me or just spoke. I think even though i'm now "incredibly confident, know myself...blah blah blah ect" everytime somebody acknowledges my existence i still find it some parts surprising and other parts weird. I think deep down i must think I don't exist in any other world other then my family and very close friends. I think the people who surprised me the most were the professors not just the lowly non-tenured ones...But the big wigs with the cool robes. I had them coming up and joking with me. I even had my name said all special ("HAkeeeeeeeem") when the assistant dean couldn't pronounce half the other black people's names. And to think at one point i'm pretty sure she didn't like me after i called her out for being racist freshmen yr...... (not against me....she asked the class to write a journal based off a rather racist/biased statement after 9/11)

Its weird that when your in certain situations you tend to cling to things you are the most comfortable with. Like the first day of high school in 9th grade. You cling and grab onto those 2 or 3 people who you REALLY liked in middle school cuz your scared to jump out any further. So in this situation waiting to walk into the gym I randomly had a epiphany of the people who i actually was friends with in my major. (2 and a half) I also realized (or reiterated to myself) that i have a nasty habit of knowing more females then males. (Somebody tell me where this has come to help me???) I guess another thought on these lines was that somebody who i MAY have liked (ok i did),but haven't seen in MONTHS and just had started speaking to again, for some reason wanted me to be next to her in her moment of glory despite the seemingly houndreds of people she knew. I personally DO profess to know everything...But even i don't totally understand that one.

When i walked across that stage after finally hearing my name said, making the whole walk a production with a stroll...a point....a pose... a dap...and then a final pimp pose with our dean (yes...that's right people it took me that long to graduate...imma drink up every moment like its a bottle of cristal or perhaps red kool-aide) I finally was able to say to myself that school was REALLY over. Then as i walked out the gym I realized that instead of suffering through months of internal struggle over my future i instead was walking out better prepared and knowing that i was not going to experience the same inner turmoil that many of my fellow kines (aka non-job having) classmates would.

Random quotes:
My assistant dean (one i spoke about earlier) to two friends and my little brother: "aaaw hakeeeeem now i'm going to miss our random meetings around campus. EVERY time i see you its like your with another beautiful young lady (at this time my little brother's eyes are lighting up either in admiration or shock that i know girls)"
My response "i don't know WHAT your talking about...."
Her response: "HA (looks at friends) no matter where i see hakeem he's talking to another hot young female (as girl i know walks up behind her about to ask to take a picture with me but then instead gapes at me in horror) where's your mom at anyway I want congragulate her on finally getting you out of here"

Friend: "Yo....SON... that chick is maaad thick....what's good" (I'm not gonna front though... like EVERY female there really was lookin right.... essentially everyone is/was former athletes/jocks/ cool people)
(as girl walks away ) "eeey yo what's good shordy"
Friend: "SON!!! Why your class run so thick yo...they even nicer then morgan's.
Friend: i wonder what THAT buildings for
Other friend: After seeing all dem girls its about to be used for masterbation.....
Female friend while waiting to go up : why is the Dean for health and human performance a lil fat man......
Random fact.... i'd probably estimate that about 80% of health and human performance is female. Family studies and public policy are probably about 99 and 90% respectively...Kines probably like 65%
Fact #2 According to the program 46% of the students are minorities. Making us one of the most racially diverse depts. on campus (i'm assumming behind African American studies, Asian studies, gay/lesbian studies ect.)
Fact #3 Maryland's Kinesiology dept. is ranked 3rd in the nation.... But a large percentage of the people graduating don't have jobs....

The moral of this story is coming into college double major in engineering and kines so you can get a job after college and have a hot girlfriend. (wait....i think i'm missing something...hmm................)

2006-05-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

I just saw Napoleon Dynamite yesterday. Possibly in my top ten of worse movies i've ever seen. Maybe i'm just more about "smarter" jokes or something...But no wait... I'm the same person who might list Robin Hood Men in Tights and Ace Ventura as one of their favorite movies. But yo...this movie was some doo doo. I have NEVER fallen asleep 3 times during a movie. The first time i did it in like 10 minutes and decided to watch it again. But what is so funny about some tall ugly kid in glasses acting like a retard? Honestly somebody SHOULD'VE hit just smacked him in the face. Just so he'd shut the f up. And what was the point of the whole movie? Pedro winning the sga president? How about before he does that he learns how to speak english. Wait...there's another thing. Can they get anymore stereotypical. The hispanic dude has like 20 people in his house with 3 "cousins" who drive a flashy car with hydraulics. His brother is in love with a thick black woman with a gold too and suddenly he becomes the dude from Malibu's Most Wanted (which was actually a funny movie). No... it wasn't really offensive (at least for me) but if your gonna be streotypical make it FUNNY. At the very least witty. The dance scene was kinda sorta funny at first. But it went on for waaaaaaaaaay too long. And his dancing sucked a bit too much to make it funnier. It was like he couldn't decide whether he REALLY wanted to dance (or was incapable) or he took too many pain killer's and didn't have full usage of all his limbs. Seroiusly...this movie made me disappointed in the tons of people who are obsessed with this movie. I can see how it could be funny...I mean The way he says things COULD be funny (but not quite). At times i almost wanted to laugh i just couldn't. Honestly i almost wanted to burn the dvd then i realized the girl who i borrowed it from might break down in a heap of tears and makeup and physical therapy lotion upon hearing that her favorite movie was burned in a ritual I do for movies I hated worse then watching myself push out diahhrea (cha cha cha).

2006-05-08T01:52:00.000-07:00

So the other day as i was driving i was trying to determine whether or not I really just see everything as racial. Or have i just experienced a lot of things that cause me to be triggered quickly. Also I asked myself why we (or more specifically myself) are so protective of hiphop. I mean in reality... Much of the lyrics on the radio can be mysoginistic (spell check) innane, possibly violent, or just overtly sexual. What is so great about all that?

The quick answer is that somewhere along the line, the word hip hop became to embody everything that is black culture. When i hear that word i think of all the positivity and blackness of it. There really isn't any thoughts of "gettin some head" (i save those thoughts for other times).

So... do i have a quick racial trigger? Honestly...i don't think so. I think I just notice things quicker and may be more apt to point them out. This may be due to past experiences, or things i've picked up along the way. A great example of an "incident" is this http:// http:// http://www.diamondbackonline.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2006/04/11/443b887596b9b http://www.diamondbackonline.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2006/04/11/443b887596b9b
A brief rundown is essentially a extremely dumb article about Common who performed at UMCP's art attack this yr. This article itself is not racist.... Now the comments.....That's a WHOLE nother matter.
The highlites:
What a fine choice as the university struggles with ever-increasing campus crime. I'm sure this rapper's non-student fans who will descend on the campus like locusts will greatly enjoy casing the dorms and parking lots after the show
Thanks for alienating the significant portion of campus that hates rap
(And this is my favorite)
All this guy talks about is black power which is ridiculous for our school to have when they always talk about racial equality. I think we need to cancel this and get a new performer. Not to mention i do not know one common fan.

These are all direct quotes cut and pasted. Am i surprised? I admit i was slightly taken aback by a couple. Cuz honestly.... I hang around Eric too much.... But this is a CLASSIC case of people who are used to having their lives catered to them. Something that as a Black person we never get. Believe it or not I've heard all 3 of these arguments a TON of times before both on tv and in person. To be fair there were plenty of comments quickly chastising those who made these obvoiusely racist remarks. But the fact of the matter is for every one racist comment that is said i can assure you there are 10 more out there who think the same way. I think the biggest piece of irony for me is who people think actually buys rap cd's? WHITE PEOPLE. There ain't enough black people in America to make one artist go platinum. If there were then we'd been have a black president named Jerome and mixtapes would outsell every artist. Its actually this simple, basic argument that makes every black person have that uneasy feeling of possible racism as soon as they hear someone discussing hip hop. Because essentially your critisizing what we make...but you buy and we essentially cater it to you so to be monetarily successful. Plus due to the music being that of ALL of us black folk that music does become part of us to a certain degree. Go to a black club and see how many people are leanin and rockin wit it. Or how a person raised in Bethesda sounds like they were raised in the hood. Having said that...what the music says isn't us.... But the music itself is. So yes... attacking hiphop just off the basis of seeing someone shaking their laffy taffy is inherently racist because its making a sweeping generalization of a youth (and now youngadult) culture that actually now...is not just black.

2006-04-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

Two posts in two days???What's wrong with me?

Yesterday I was watching my little brother play basketball outside my house with the neighboring children. At 13 he still acts and looks like a lil kid. But while watching him I started to notice that the lil man was actuallying teaching some of the younger kids in the EXACT SAME WAY that I teach him how to play basketball. Never yelling but stressig certain things over and over again. He even had them running drills... Later on as I was quickly walking by him at the computer typing something he tells me that a question his teacher asked them to write on "is there love at first sight". His response was so deep and intellegent it honestly shocked me I didn't even have anything to say except "yeah that makes sense.......". Later on while in the car with me driving to get our hair cuthe asks me was the best rappers, Tupac, Biggie or Jay-Z. With him living in the same sheltered household as me (if not more) he stated that he had not heard enough of their actual lyrics to be able to make an informed opinion and he didn't want to just make a statement without knowing for himself like "other people do". He stated that he liked Jay-z's beats but he thought Biggie's lyrics were better. Once again... shock and amazement. Honestly i didn't know he had actual intellegent adult thoughts. And that's not to mention that he sounded exactly like me. My final example came from a story he had to write which he decided to write on a basketball game between me and him.

"Finally, it was time for Hakeem to step it up and for Jarel to finally try to delever by beating his 23 yr old brother for the first time. Panting, both Hakeem and Jarel looked each other in the eyes, they could feel their next door neighbors sitting on the grass watching them. Slowly and carefully Hakeem took the ball, and then ran up and planted his feet and sak a jump shot on Jarel. Upset that he did not guard him well Jarel said, "Man i almost had you!" Then out of nowhere Hakeem took the same shot again. Now a victory for Jarel was fading away from him . 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3, was going on in Jarels head. WWhen it hit on Jarel was done for, for Hakeem had made the same shot again and won"

Yes I'm talking like the doting older brother I obvoiusely am...But that's pretty freakin' good writing for a 8th grader. The point of this all is really how amazing i find it how much of a influence I have had on this human being to so dramatically really make him literally mini me. Sure he's a hyper active ADHD version of me with a better jump shot that doesn't stop talking but honestly I think it makes me feel the best knowing that I have filled him with the necessary mind set and thought processes to really gain success (and many females) when he gets older. Its just truly amazing when you can actually look at someone you saw as a baby, now and actually visualize them as an adult. It also helps me understand why parents feel as they do when they look at their children and see how they develop and look after them. And no... no babies till the right breeding partner comes along and/or I become rich (or even an established middle class with a wife).

Unrelated notes: I can admit i kinda (ok...more then kinda) like Kelly Clarkson. And I also can admit I find her body kinda sexy...Its either the abs the way she moves her hips or her voice. Or a combination.
I sweat Chris Brown like a 12 yr old black girl heartbroken by lil bow wow

Songs I've listened to while typing this on my ipod: i suggest you take notes and make the proper moves to download:
Nobody- Keith Sweat (Eric that one's for you)
What's Beef- Notorious BIG (honestly one of my top 3 biggie songs... If i was bipolar I might be a sadistic crack selling murderer)
Lovers and Friends- Usher, Lil Jon, Ludacris (I enjoy practicing Usher's high notes)
Signed Sealed Delivered- Stevie Wonder (along with Living For the City, and Superstition, my favorite Stevie song....I'd sing it if i were on American Idol)
Soulstar- Musiq (I'm mad he F'd up the national anthem......)
Joyful Joyful- Lauryn Hill (Sister Act 2) (Nobody knew who Lauryn was at this point)
Overjoyed- Stevie Wonder (maybe i'd sing this one on AI....)
Renegade- Jay Z feat. Eminem (hottest song off Blueprint...This is the Em that actually isn't crazy...or stupid...or psychotic)
Thugz Mansion (acoustic version)- Tupac and Nas (the acoustic version allows you to actually listen to the words... which actually make you think)

2006-04-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

I don't really do updates on my daily behavior sense to methere seems tobe nothing special about it 90% of the time. But I could definetley say that this weekend was interesting enough to electronically verbalize my thoughts.

Mainly my weekend in a odd sort of way revolved around me running in a 6K race this morning in my city of birth. Baaalmer (baltimore). I only say it revolved around it because I spent the entire week "cramming" a month's worth of training in a week. Which meant going to the gym everyday, sometimes twice for the sole purpose of running. In doing this i went to the gym at 2 in the morning fri night (yes...oxymoron). At this point in my life I need and appreciate time to myself and the ability to have my thoughts to myself more then any other time I can remember. As I try to figure out which path to take while I chill here at the "keemie krossroads" this time allows me to ease my mind and try to understand the things and events around me. I think its times such as that, that allows me to be the 23 yr old single black male living out of his parents basement that I am. Its what has allowed me to understand why there is not currently a female sitting behind me giving me a neck masssage as a slouch typing this. And it has allowed me to at least have peace of mind to know i'm headed SOMEWHERE...I just don't know where yet.

When running for a extended distance your mind plays such incredible tricks on you that it truly does feel like an accomplishment when you finish running because your not only batteling your body, but your mind also. About 8 months ago me and eric were gonna run a marathon (i say "gonna" for a reason......*coughericcough*) training for that and running as many as 10 miles at one time it gives new meaning to mind over matter. And its what made me realize that although we as people are inclined to be a certain way as a personal characteristic, it is still only our mind that prevents us doing it. You can actually push yourself to do anything.

I ran the 6K because I need a sense of purpose. That folks is the singular truest down deep statemet I've typed down. Right now I need something to work toward, look forward to, something to gain, improve or understand. Amazing how 4.5 yrs of college provided that. I sit up late at night sometimes amused by infomercials sometimes describing people with weight problems or talkng about gyms, diet pills or diets. I'm not amused cuz i'm thinking "HAHA...those people are ugly...and i'm hot". Actually its more in a ironic thought that in reality I exercise, lift weights, play basketball or run for none of these reasons. Sure...I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror but I don't NEED to workout to be sexy, so i won't feel fat, to impress or get a girl. I like being healthy and it fills what i just said... A sense of purpose. To control one of the few things about my life that I can.

I ran the last mile of the 6K in 5 and a half minutes with a hangover that didn't hit me till mile 2 (or 3... they didn't mark mile 2) There were some times I felt like slowing down or even walking but just by reverting to whatever my thoughts on my surroundings, ipod song or my coworker ahead of me my legs just kept going as if by machine.

I drank the night before because I have an unusually insane amount of confidence in my own body and to a certain degree, my mind. This is faith brought by doing something over and over again (playing sports my whole life) and practice. I had zero thoughts that drinking the night before might actually affect my performance other then maybe my sweat smelling like soco. Its through this that I realize everything that I do is in my own control its just a matter of identifying the finish line.

On a completely unrelated note I find it really interesting that when i type these things i rarely ever put ANY prethought into it but end up typing what looks like a planned out story for a literature class. I guess you can say that's how i think to myself in a circular randomly organized way.

2006-04-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

"I'm out for presidents to represent me. Dead f*#kin presidents to represent me"

Thats the hot Nas line that Jay-Z made a hot song.

This is seroiusly one of my top 10 lines in hip hop history. The reason being the duplicity of the statement relating to both ourselves as Americans and having our Presidents "represent" us. For historical perspective this line was actually made during the first Bush administration. Our presidents are supposedly elected by us and meant to represent our views as a country at large. The problem with that is that it is only one man's opinions...Actually no... its really more one parties opinion, from everything I read and watch concerning the President, or any political office really, our politicians don't really export a lot of individual thought....Except for a few people who carry the majority of the influence in their parties.

I mention the whole "representation" thing mainly because it feels like nobody represents ME. I am a 23 yr old college educated black male. I don't have a job but if i did/when i do...I will be considered middle class probably making somewhere between 30-45 G's. When i listen to republicans talk and look what they talk about I feel left out. Honestly...when i listened to John Kerry during his little run at the presidency...I can't say i was feeling all that included. Let alone represented.

Random but related thought... The one guy I heard talking who I felt was ME, was Barak Obama. I realize that seeing another dark face talking immiedetely made me mentally award him 2 cool points. Having said that what he talked about also directly would affect me and my everyday life. Not just in terms of being an African American but just increasing the quality of life for the majority of Americans. Now my question is based on relating to somebody. Why do people vote soley off the fact that they can "relate" to someone? I mean how many "red states" voted for Bush cuz he SOUNDS like a hick seems slightly dumb and was white. I only bring up the fact that he's white because....well he is. And the point is that he "looks like them". In reality though they don't...

Anyway... besides the fact that Nas might really have wanted Presidents to be killed... The meaning behind the statement is money. "I want dead presidents to represent me." I want my money and the things I've achieved to represent who i am and who you see me to be. I've never really been a "money is power" kinda guy but having said that... In our society it is. The more money you have the more say it is possible for you to have. Having said that the point is that the harder you hustle and get what and where you want the more you DON'T need others to represent you. The point of doing well in school, going to college, getting a job (or getting a masters then the job) is to financially and personally make so you no longer need to rely on others to be happy. No parents, law have much less affect on your life. If i'm makin 50G's a year electricity going up 75% (which it is) is gonna make a whole lot smaller a difference in my life then it will the old person living off social security.

2006-04-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when writing I feel like i'm being too deep. I ask myself whether all my random thoughts are asking what grain of sand that brick is made up of rather then just asking "what color is it". The thing is that I see everyday events that happen to me as simply everyday events and nothing in the grand scheme of things. One of my "things" is understanding myself and the world around me. The reason I majored in Kinesiology and enjoy biological science is because I have a need to understand why I am like I am or why others are themselves.

I study people so that I can apply that knowledge to my own life or why other people react or interact a certain way toward me. I need to learn why the world looks at me as it does.

Why is it when I call a patient up at work they go the opposite direction and look for the person who called them up.... Instead of walking toward me when i'm still standing right there.

The reason why I find race so interesting is not really because it affects "my people". But because it affects me. In a essay for a physical therapy school I had to write why I wanted to be a PT. My answer...."honestly..i don't care about helping people I just want to learn why my body is what it is". The same holds true for race (obvoiusely i DO care about black people) Its something that is constantly going through my mind because I see and experience it everywhere but don't acknoweldge it in my head or even give it time to sink in....

My sophomore year in college I had what my boy J called "ABS" aka angry blackman syndrome.

I was incredibly stressed was doing too many things, had too much work and was too tired. Its like when your tired you start noticing that little ant that you usually don't see and keep walking. Well during this period of time every time I got that second glance when walking in a room, ignored when i raised my hand, got a short answer when i needed help, stared at as i was walking, followed into a corner at the store, ignored when i tell a white person something, not given the same benefit of the doubt as a white counterpart, being ignored by lab groups, ignored by "group leaders", not being liked by random teachers because there is no identification with my gangsta persona.

I just said "ignore" 4 different times... That's a good way to describe being black. Full of being ignored and looked at oddly/ackwardly. And at those times when things aren't going well I feel it. Its those times of feeling it that keys into why I feel the need to figure out why?
Why it happens to me
Why it happens in general
What caused THEM to act that way
What experiences brought it on for them

Everywhere i go I'm the "Black guy". What I continuously am trying to figure out is how that affects me.

Its something that ALWAYS affects me
ALWAYS is there
and ALWAYS will be...that should explain why its always a constant on my mind

I'm observational by nature

I view others like a book of chess, what I see/read is what helps me understand the goings on in the game and then make my own moves based off what i percieve is right or wrong.

I was talking to my boy today who I often have deep conversations just about life in general with. Recently his head has been turned and twisted by a female. His epiphany for the day was that he needed to seriously lean back in order to get to know himself. If he's always spending all his waking thoughts on school or girls there is no time to understand himself.

My knowledge of myself is what helps pave the way of my life while i'm still uncertain where its going.

My knowledge of self is also what I use to help others

There's a lot of things that I understand simply from observing others and including my own experiences and extrapolating on them. I do not have a single good friend that does not come to me with their problems. In reality how is it possible for me to tell somebody what to do when their gonna have a kid when I have never had a relationship even reaching half a yr? But i do and i can.

I don't think i solve problems, i just help people solve problems for themselves. I'm the lighthouse on the shore.

I enjoy doing this blog thing cuz not only is it extremely cathartic. But its a chance for me to visually see and understand the way i think and yes.....Gain a greater knowledge myself as a person.

I promise I won't get quite THIS deep for at least one blog...Or maybe i will... it depends where my head is.

2006-04-10T01:49:00.000-07:00

I looked at myself in the mirror today. I'm not talking the abstract micheal jackson "man in the mirror" kinda way... I mean literally I examined myself in the mirror. Btw this was around 9 am on a Sunday night. In a mirror slightly covered with splattering of paint.

Foreward: These thoughts are all actual thoughts not necessarily vain or self demeaning just things that Inotice when looking at myself just as everyone else does. I figure people notice all ths stuff or have thought it about me anyway. I like to think i'm pretty secure in myself soooo....here it is.

Things i've noticed about myself:
I did a good job of shaping my hair up with the new clippers I brought

My hair has zero waves in it. For a black man... there are some females that might have a conniption upon hearing those words.

I need to wash my hair cuz there's definetely a some snow flakes at the top...And it hasn't snowed in 2 yrs.

I surprisingly am totally pimple free today. Although my nose looks like it may be trying to infiltrate my barrier of acne perfection i (ok...and my anatomy professor) like to call my epidermis.

it seems that I look better when i tilt my head up some. When i do that I look much more hard edge and resemble the status quo of Black male hotness. Otherwise I look kinda sadish or tired. Sad is not a sexy look. Infact some would probably think "pussy look".

Random quote :"your eyes are the window to your soul" Its amazing how you can tell what a person is thinking just by looking at their eyes...

I got average sized lips for a Black male. I think...I'm no LL but i'm workin with a lil somethin

There's two oldish kinda but not really pimples right below my nose covered up by my mustashe. Not a fan

My little light mustasche is not nearly as noticable unless shape it up whereas then it looks actually kinda sexy.

My teeth are Ok but its time for the dentist and/or some whitening strips

I think i got a good smile. Its very solid. Not TOO much but not underwhelming in he least.

I got big cheeks....If i were fat i'd look like a chipmunk

According to my dad I got big ears...Nobody else has ever told me that... Maybe i do... i don't really think so
]
My nose is nondescript

I did a great job evening out my goatee. Good job bighak

I need a stronger chin... I think this might be caused by the baby cheeks.
The new razor i got has made my face much smoother which is taking away a two toned look I sometimes get. Plus it has enabled me to have more of a "fresh from the barbershop" look. I think i'm sensing a continued quasi disturbing trend of myself heading toward pretty boy land.

Surrounding the goatee are numerous razor bumps that need to be gettin to steppin but thanks to the new razor those too are ceasing to exist. There's a especially big one on my neck which would bleed if i try to run the razor over it. Which i did.

I just worked out today but due to a tetnus shot I am not nearly as impressed by my post workout look as I usually am.

I have a surprisingly large chest for someone who can only bench a estimated 230 lbs.

My abs look better from further away. Seroiusly....they go from "ok..." to "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOK" just by backing up a lil bit.

I have absolutely zero hair anywhere above my belly button. Thats neither a complaint or compliment to myself... I guess if you never have it there's nothing to think about it.

It looks like i kinda skimmed over the arm part of my workout. Which is understandable considering I have stiches on my pinky and tetnus shot soreness in the same arm. Having said that... I have yet to decide whether my arms are big or not. Maybe it depends on the angle...

I need to put lotion on my legs. Or maybe i don[t since nobody is gonna see them.

I need lotion on my hands...I just do

I think i got some sexy feet...Seroiusly just cuz their size 14 don't mean they ain't so hot a girl would want to rip off my Air force one's and suckle on each one like a teething baby. All those foot massages i give myself over the years have really made a difference.

And that...is all my thoughts while looking at myself in the mirror. Obvoiusely i was not nekked but if anyone wants it i'll try to look at myself after i get out the shower and add those thoughts.

2006-04-03T00:47:00.000-07:00

I will probably actually make multiple entries this week since it seems that right now i have a lot of internal monologue. So the first topic i shall address is my favorite topic....race. I've spared everyone a while so now its time to the bane of america's existence.

The difference between going to a white club...a black club...and a non white OR black club

At a white club it never fails that a random drunk white guy gives you dap.
At a black club you nod so much your neck hurts
"Ethnic" or choice minority... they just leave you alone

At a white club you automatically become the center of attention the moment you make your presence felt...aka walk in. Which means strange stares, blank looks and/or stank faces

At a black club the only stares you get is from a female (more on that later) or a brotha who is checkin what your wearing or the girl your dancing with or essentially sizing you up to see if you could be considered cool

At a minority club NONE of the guys look at you but quite a few of the females do. Some in a "oooh he's cute" way or the "wow he's cute...i wonder if he's black/hispanic/indian" (take a pick of your choice minority).

When a girl is feelin you:
At a white club a black girl will just stare you down like she's just found the diamond in the middle of the desert and you have about a 97% chance she will at the very least dance with you.
A white girl at a white club will be so incredibly pleased with herself that she has gotten herself a black man that she will probably try to shake it a bit more vigorously and there's a 75% chance she will try to be more sexual with you then the guy she was just dancing with.

A black girl at a black club will do one or all of a couple things... She might rub up against you contiuously and constantly invade what i like to call "the penis bubble". She may just grab you and you have to hang on for dear life. Or she'll give you a more subtle longing look, making eye contact. But not too much.
A white girl at a black club will just be so happy somebody is dancing with she might just freak you like her life depends on it....Which...it is because if she does a bad job she won't get another one probably for at least another hour....But if she does.... A line of brotha's will soon form and she is set.
At a minority club its pretty similar to at a black club except probably less aggressive, more of the looks and the "longing" glances.

Being rejected:
At a white club i'm pretty sure i could chalk at least 50% of the rejections to racism. Mainly because of the pretentious, snobby glare saying "how dare you get into my heavenly area" or perhaps the glare from the friend as your simply walking by that is saying "you better not touch my friend you thug" as she pulls her friend away despite your intentions of walking by the ugly whore. And believe me....that glare is unmistakable. Sometimes i look behind me to make sure there's not somebody with a boogie man mask standing behind my shoulder.

At a black club: once again a bit more varied... You will have the extremely rude black girl who either is there to gold dig or is there to profile. BUT for the most part if turned down it is along the lines of a smile and a verbal or non verbal saying of "i'm hot". To be honest most black girls don't turn dudes down too often unless your ugly, can't dance, or approach them wrong. The whole grabbing and hopping onto the butt like its a see-saw is not a good strategy.

At a "other" club: This is the tough one... From what i've seen the dancing can be much more varied and diverse as the people in the club, thus making for opprotunities to differ. But for now i've decided that most are generally polite.... Or they just straight up ain't dancing with no dude. (incase you don't know many muslim's and indians are extremely strict when it comes to sexuality) I've found that these (non black and white) females are much more inclined to want to dance by their lonesome. Maybe so joint hand dancing but the turndown is more because they're not gonna be dancing with anybody rather just you.

So frankly i don't know whether it seems like i'm being undouly negative on white people (just being truthful based on all culmative observations) having said that frankly the reason is that there actually is a discernable difference in the "feel" of being "apart" at a white place then at a place with non- whites. Whether good or bad there is no real "normalcy" because everything seems to be exaggerated either for the good or for the bad. The only time you get a "racial" look at a ethnic place is if one of the dudes thinks your tryin to holla at his girl. Then he looks at you like "i know this nigga aint......." And black people tend to be too self consumed to actually think about other people. If you pass the initial look no follow up look will be given.

Since this feels more like a reseach paper or something i'll put my sources of reference:

I am a 23 yr old african american male who is a vet. of at least a couple 100 white (over 80% caucasion) parties and over a 100 white clubs/bar visits. I have also been to a Indian party, turkish party, a number of hispanic themed clubs including salsa with a puerto rican brother in law, also a number of visits to clubs with a large percentage of Indian, Persian or middle eastern people. Also I have been to 100's of parties with majority black people and dozens of clubs not to mention every other black majority place I have been to...such as my house.

And that is my ethos statement.

2006-03-27T23:42:00.000-08:00

I'm a hater...
That's right folks... When i was little i suckled hateraide from my momma's bosom. Its taken me a while to come to this realization because quite honestly.... Deep down i think i'm a perfect human being. Of course who says being a hater isn't part of being perfect? Nevermind...don't answer that question. Anyway I came to the realization of being a hater when I was sitting down watching the ncaa tournament and in my anger at having basically all 4 of my final 4 teams knocked out in the span of 24 hours... I soon delved into a deeper level of myself which I have determined as "the hater zone". I found myself wishing dare i say almost praying that every team my friends and coworkers wanted to win...would all lose and lose horribly. For the sole reason that they not have any joy and be feeling that deep disappointment that I was feeling.

This is not the first time I have hated or will it be the last time. Infact... I have a extreme dislike for most pop music especially popish rap. Suuuure i could just be happy to see some black folk gettin "theirs", but no... The moment I start hearin a lil bit too much of something on the radio let the hating commence. Example... when 50 cents first big album "get rich or die trying" came out i was aaaaaaall up on fidy's bullet hole ridden dick. I downloaded the whole album a good month before it came out and even downloaded various freestyles, mixtape songs and underground stuff. I relished hearing about how gay Ja Rule was and how he sounded like the cookie monster. And i remember thinking "boy i sure hate when rapper's sing" Probably around the time that 21 questions came out as like the 10th single released off the album....I began to hate. By this point I began to hate on 50's "hustle" began to have distaste for how often his songs were played on 99.5 and started to question why any dude in their right mind would buy one of those lil itty bitty push up bra's/ wife beater with "G-Unit" on it. Yes...I hated on him...I couldn't just be happy that east coast rap was back, to this day I now refuse to listen to almost any song by him and you will even find me unlikely to dance to one in the club unless of course its a song to gangsta to be put on the radio....Such as "what up gangsta(aaaaaaaaa)". I even hate on the video's that come on late at night on BET uncut. What in the world is wrong with a couple of rappers spittin hot fire while they rip and rhyme (rhyme and rip) about the wonders and glory that is a Black female.

Even in my personal life I have found myself hatin up a hatin storm. I hate on rich people all the time. Last yr in my African American studies class this lil kid had this fresh pair of air force one's on in camoflage color that perfectly matched what he was wearing. There was just something about him...that made me want it to rain. A good muddy rain too. Sometimes...I drive down my street at home see some neighboring kids playing with some sort of ball and think to myself "boy it'd be funny if i just drove over that ball with my car..." or perhaps "what it that ball just kept rolling and went right on down that drain...and they had to stop playing....MWHAHAHAHAHA"

Sure... on principle I don't hate on other dudes, females or really anything that has to do with comparing myself to someone or anything that actually has to do with me personally but it was a shock to my system to realize that i may have a fatal flaw of continuously gulping down pints of red hater-aide.

2006-03-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

The topic of today is "Chemistry"

Chemistry may be the singular difficult, non pliable thing in the interaction between us as humans and of course between sexes. The thing about chemistry is that it can easily be percieved just because you like a person, find them attractive, or enjoy a person's company. But in reality...when you REALLY got it with someone its everyone is in the same mindset, wavelength and thought process. This is not only with the opposite sex but people who are truly your best friends you find the interaction is different then with other friends/acquaintances. It is truly the most intangible thing. One night a while back i was watching the Carson Daly show (i really have no idea why) and he had Jennifer Love Hewitt on as a guest. Incase you are not up on late 90's gossip, they dated. I just remember watching it and thinking that they had the most evident chemistry I had seen on tv like it almost made me uncomfortable watching them and they weren't even saying anything sexual.

Anyway the first time I remember experiencing this sort of "chemistry" was way back in 12th grade of high school. The repoirte between me this young lady was so evident that my english teacher moved our seats. Sadly because it was high school....and this girl was the kind of outgoing blunt girl who i tend to be attracted too (but didn't realize it at the time... my mom told me to like "quiet nice girls") we never went out and i didn't have enough balls to ask her even after I heard she was going to prom with a dude i was pretty sure was gay. Aaaah high school ackwardness.....

So having completed my 10 yrs of college I can say i have had chemistry with exactly with a grand total of 7.5 females and 4.5 guys. Every so often I question the topic of chemistry in my head especially when "talking" to a female or even dating one. The reason is because honestly people who you actually have that unknown "something" tends to be rare and due to my abundance of personality and ability to talk to people I've sometimes thought that the other person thinks they have "chemistry" with ME...But its not there vice versa. Which i guess wouldn't be chemistry at all. So at these times I have to look back at the relationships (friendly or otherwise) I've had and compare.... Sure comparing may not be the best thing to do but if they can't even compare to certain female friends that I've had then i'm pretty sure THAT is the unknown problem that you just can't put a finger on with why you aren't feelin the other person as much as you think you should. Its why when you talk to that random person at the club, bar, class, work, meat section at the supermarket, and you start feelin "something" ("something" that's NOT a thing umm....growing). Its also why we get so mad at ourselves when those opprotunities present themselves and we pass them by or don't readily recognize them.

All of this came to me mainly because a call I recieved this week from an old somebody (technically i dated her for 4 months but was never gf/bf). This girl was the first female of the 7.5 I've known that i actually went out with. From the very moment I picked up the phone i was totally amazed that it was literally like we had never stopped going out despite having not spoken to her in..... i'm thinkin' around 6 months give or take a few months. And it's been a good 3 or 4 yrs since we dated. I'm not necessarily saying this girl just screwed me up for life its more along the lines of the difficulty it is to actually meet people (just in general) who you REALLY can chill with or talk to. In earlier paragraphs i said i had met a grand total of 7.5 (i know y'all like the .5) females and 4.5 guys who I really vibe with that's a grand total of 12 people out of the estimated millions of people I've met my whole life. Which means either I either have to get out more...or appreciate the few people who got that certain undefinable hot ish you can chill with (men) or get with (i think you know who....).

One thing that I failed to mention was...sexual chemistry. This one is a bit more tangible because well.... when your hittin the skins its feelin a liiiiiiil better then with someone you don't have that sexual chemistry with. Or sometimes its not even with someone your making up and down simultanous moves with while copulatory organs are exposed (or not), it can easily just be someone you meet in class where its evident that both of y'all wanna get up in each other's pants. Its just important not to confuse the first "chemistry" with the second.

2006-03-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

Sooooo i got into a car accident today. I'm comin straight and a a lil asian kid decides to test my reaction speed by trying to get across the street before I manually pimped his ride. My first thoughts were "oooh noooooo i hope i didn't kill him" as i headed into the driver side door then it was "don't mess up your face on the steering wheel/windshield daddy" (yeah i call myself daddy...or...mostly yo... calling myself daddy sounds kinda gay in a plant self pollinating (sex with yourself) sort of way.) Anyway as i get distracted... my next thought was "what a ugly bluish car". After the whole making his car into a hydroplane thing ended I hopped out the car with my angry black man face on (after quickly noticing that the kid was straight.... and was looking at me like "ooooh MIZZLE FIZZLE SHIIZZLE i hope this nizzle doesn't kick the shizzle out of my poor fizzle"). So as i walked over i made sure to have the slow swag(er) on to keep the perception up...and allow him to finish pissing on himself (nobody likes to have to cut off their flow mid stream). So as I approach i'm mentally trying to determne what sort of persona to go with upon talking to this young man. My first inclination was to go soft then i harkend back to seeing accidents on tv and both people being angry even if it was their fault. So i debated rollin up to the window and yelling "YO MOFO...WTF YOU THINK YOU DOIN!!". But after seeing the look resembling my little brother (yes...sometimes my lil brother has times when he looks like a 19ish asian kid) about to get a spanking on this kids face, I decided to stay strong, hard, and silent. So i asked whether he was alright then quickly reverted to my steely glare I use when a professor is telling me if i didn't sleep in class i wouldn't have failed the test. After calling the police they evenually came and said that he was totally liable because I had the right of way, and since the front axel was broken he had to report it. Aka yo daddy does not have to pay a dime and will soon be pushin Dime pieces in a rental whip.

On the real side of things...since it was definetely my first accident I will be the first to admit it scared the snot out of me (literally...well at least a boogie). And honestly i was ready to battle it out with the kid if it came to fisticuffs. Luckily for him he was candy and the white tee and doo rag got him. But i am quite glad it wasn't me in the position where i would have to pay for BOTH cars cuz my first rational thought upon looking at the whole situation was "i soooo don't have the money for this..." and why do i have to pay my own insurance NOW" Like seroiusly i was adding up the damage to both cars in my mind and trying to determine how many paychecks it was.... But thankfully the Lord was good and kept everyone safe from harm and my bank account also safe.

2006-03-13T23:02:00.000-08:00

Suddenly out of nowhere I have like a million things to talk about (not my penis).

My first thought is related to this new show on FX called "Black.White.". On the show there is a white family and black family and they are made up to look the opposite race. The makeup job is good enough that they could all pass for strange looking black/white people. Except for the girl... she could straight pass as a black chick and could actually get it. Anyway the point of the show is for the white family to get the black experience and vice versa. While on the show the two families will live with each other in order to better enable understanding of events that occur.

When first hearing about the show i thought that hands down the white family would get more out of the experience then the black family. For the most part Black people HAVE to be around white people and live and react to them on a daily basis. So I figured it wouldn't be that hard to live as a white person. The two Black adults on the show shared the same thoughts as me on this. And generally this was true. The white family went through much more inner turmoil on how to "act" what to say and what to look for. The funny thing about this though was the Black family's son may infact get the most out the whole thing because out of everybody he is TOTALLY oblivious to the affects of race. Growing up in suburban Atl. (very ethnically diverse and wealthy area) and being 17 race was obvoiusely never a direct issue for him. And by that I just mean he hadn't experienced anything overly blatant to cause him to question other less obvoius moments he might experience. This kid decided he is going to just "act the same" and just do what he normally does. In the clips of later this season he's sitting in a room of white "friends" as a white kid and listen's to the whole group continuously say the "N-word".

When talking to a friend a couple days ago and we were talking about some sort of race thing and I told a story about how in my kindegarden graduation the girl who I was supposed to hold hands with walking out said "i don't want to hold your hand cuz your black" or something to that extent (i forget whether it was to me or to the teacher). But basically in my 5 yr old head i knew it was wrong...But it didn't make me "mad". Infact...i don't even know what it made me. Anyway... she said (grad school student in counseling) that we don't actually UNDERSTAND race until we're much older and it usually takes some key event for it to happen. So basically this kid on the show obvoiusely has not had that happen to him.

The other standout person on the show to me and probably to everybody watching was the white husband "Bruno". This dude has come in with the theory that Black people only see racism because they want to and that everybody actually gets treated exactly the same. It seemed that the only racist thing people ever do is say the n- word which he proceeded to try and say every moment possible. (NO black person just says the n word randomly in conversation) His feeling was that if you don't respond to the person saying the word you take the empowerment from the person saying it. Of course this has SOME truth to it...But not alot. So this guy basically refused to see anything from a black perspective even when going "out" with the real black guy (as two black guys) he couldn't see that things such as being followed around a clothing store or a woman moving off the sidewalk, or giving a prolonged stare was not race related. His unequivical conclusion was that race played no role and he was being treated exactly the same as if he were white. After talking to a coworker (36 yr old white woman) along with at least a couple other white people the general consensus is that he was pretty stupid and a bad rep for the race. I personally know ALOT of white people feel a similar way to varying degree's, they just don't say it quite that explicitly or blatant. But honestly I think what this show mainly does is give people a outward view on thoughts and experiences black and white people have. So when I say "its just something i KNOW" suddenly it makes a little more sense. Or when a white person says "its all because you WANT to see racism and use it as an excuse" it suddenly looks like a much sillier statement then when it is first said.

Next up...my night with your momma

2006-03-08T17:13:00.000-08:00

So here it is...thought on/about my penis....

I do not call him any particular names so there is no "willie", "lil hak", "daddy", "the G downstairs", "lil man" or "peekachu". I admit... it is a him and sometimes i do call him "my boy" when referencing him. At this point i would put a link to the famous blog "message to a average sized penis" but...i don't know how to put links...and i don't have a average sized penis. To be frank... I have a well above averaged size and have no idea what he's talking about. I'm not bragging its just a fact that at times is not even the best thing. For example, when in the club its like putting a bulldog in a shoe box. You can't be wearing extra extra large boxers if you only got a 31 inch waist. Plus as most guys will attest...how are you supposed to keep your inner thoughts secret when chillin' with a girl when she readily can tell your not focusing on what her mom said to her on the phone.... Also lets not forget that some girls just are not equiped to handle copulatory organs that take up too much space. Having said that I honestly think girls might like the G downstairs more then even I do. Its like the dog they wish they could take home with them. I could go into details about why... But most females with a dog know how they treat them... Infact i'm pretty sure somewhere out there a female has made an "ode to the penis". Anyway its time to end this since too much thought about what i'm thinking about leads to bad thoughts.

2006-03-06T02:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight me and my man J went to see Chappelle's Block party. So i felt i would just share some thought I had while watching it.

Dave Chappelle is just a naturally funny person. Like his personality is just hilaroiusly funny and he doesn't actually have to think of funny things to make people laugh.

One of the girls in the marching band was a DIME... I mean hoooooooooly snikies she could've gotten it all day long.

I never realized Erykah Badu had such big titties. Honestly I could do bad things to that woman.

When watching Jill Scott and Ms. Badu I honestly could've married them both. I do believe that if there is one singular way to REALLY make me like you. Sing... Like when I hear a female singing and I mean REALLY saaang like from the heart as if you can see her very soul.... THAT is what gets me. After watching Jill Scott we could have babies.

Jill Scott is actually a really attractive woman despite her bigness.

Something tells me that Erykah Badu is a freak. Like i just KNOW it.
She was also rockin some fronts and loooow and behold that ginourmous afro she's got......IS A WIG!!!

The backup singer for the Roots was really sexy and had amazing abs.... And had this strange possible non- cancerous tumor on her rock hard abdominals right above her belly button. Like seriously it is hardly noticable but she definetely has a puffy bump (small mound) that if popped would probably some sort of ooze juice. I think she needs to get that looked at....

I love mos def and everything about him...No karamo

Watching Mos Def made me wish I had enough heart to go for a music career. Or do standup, or be an actor.

I love Common his music, and I love the total cool b-boy persona he gives off....No Karamo

Kiesha Cole was in this???

Lauryn Hill gives me chills when i hear her sing

She also gives me chills when i look at her bony a*s

She forgot words to BOTH songs.... Distracting me from the chills I was having

I think "Jesus Walks" may be the best produced song ever. And i'm not given to exaggeration. But i don't think any song when played with a band gives you the same intense feeling as that song.

As Dead Prez was on i started to think..."I wonder what the white people are thinking"

The funny thing about the film was that it definetely had a black nationalist and underground him hop underlying theme...But it wasn't ABOUT that. But maybe that was just my perspective given it was essentially catered to me....

According to J some white people walked out in the middle..... I guess they expected a extended Lil Jon sketch.... Or perhaps a 2 hour version of Rick James.

To me the movie felt like a celebration of hip hop and Black culture... (right there i sounded like one of those liberal white movie reviewers talking about something they don't actually listen to but appreciate for what it is.)

I really wonder how many people (i.e. non hip hop heads) ended up enjoying this movie or even went to it.

I have a theory that liberal white people are 10 times more open minded then 99% of black people. Even if there's a lot of stuff they may not REALLY explicitly understand.

I really loved this movie...and would even see it again...(i don't see movies twice......not even on video most of the time)

2006-03-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

Something that i've always had a problem with in explaining things to people or making a statement about something is that a lot of people tend to see things totally in black and white. Aka one way or the other with no grey areas. If I said I said something thought to be popular opinion like Martin Luther King wasn't the most influential figure in the civil rights movement. It doesn't mean i don't think he's the most important.

I think people always are looking for a definitive answer to questions or statements when most of the things in life aren't. I also find it exasperating to explain something that I may personally see and know due to my own personal experiences and obvservations but another person can't and possibly won't ever see. People always are looking for that concrete epiphany type explanation that will make them automatically understand without them ever having to go through significant introspection or thought. My conclusion....people are lazy thinkers because they are used to be having everything explicitly explained.

2006-02-27T23:34:00.000-08:00

First of all...I'm mad that tickets to see dave chappelle doing standup april 3rd.... Sold out within hours today foiling my plans to see him.
Due to peer pressure imma spill the beans....
On saturday I helped my boy move into his new bachelor pad in fairfax VA and due to the extreme gratitude him and his parents had for my big muscles they gave us money to eat at one of the many restaurants dotting the surrounding area. Anywho...we go to red robin and sit. After having some effiminate man introduce himself to us and say he's going to be our waiter we then proceeded to sit for about 15 minutes waiting on him to actually SERVE us. In pounces this sexy lil Phillipino chick bubbling with personality who proceeded to chat us up. And quite honestly any female who can hold her own in a back in forth with the two of us honestly captures my attention and immediate props (shout out to Savage). So anyway shordy was "eye f*@kin the s*!t" out of me with each time she walked by. Not to mention sitting down next to me and giving other non verbal clues.

But THEN....she got up.... This girl had ZERO booty... Not only was there none...but she was working in the minus. She may have had a inverted gluteous maximus. To say i was disappointed does not truly describe the sadness that washed over me at that horrific sight. Especially given that homegirl was kinda thick everywhere else i honestly just felt a little deceived.

Anyway by the end of our meal my boys roomate joined us sitting around since we were preparing to go out (mind you despite this i'm still wearing sweatpants and a underarmour shirt). And after giving us our check the waitress joined us in a rousing discussion on a myriad of topics ranging from her being a personal trainer to the 4 different shades of color sitting at the table. So honestly...midway through the meal i had decided to get the girl's number...Frankly...just because. But knowing that i had very little plans on calling her not just cuz of the booty (or lack thereof) but because...it was fairfax and i'm a lazy dater. The longer she stayed and conversed with us though I started to think "wow...this is actually a real cool chick " so by the end when it came down to "the ask" i had essentially lost all predetermined thought of asking for the number and honestly i enjoyed my meal enough that i kinda wanted to be able to walk into Red Robin again... So yes...i forgot what i was going to say to her and when the moment is gone its gone.

After increased thought on the matter later on (cuz i pretty much spend 90% of my conscoius thought in introspection) I realized I probably should've gone ahead and spit and see what would happen. Especially when it took me exactly 33 minutes to drive back home from Fairfax the next night. Am i totally assuming she would've given me the digits...Yes... but quite honestly besides the fact that she touched/rubbed against me 4 seperate times and me RARELY being wrong....Oh and lets not forget that i'm one (as Prince would say) a "sexy motha-f#&ker" Dem digits would've been mine. And having said all of that....if she had had a booty.... There probably wouldn't have even been a second thought. (daddy likes da booty)

2006-02-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

I feel that its time for me to create another blog but frankly I have no pre-determined thoughts or topics to really talk about... So i figure if i type long enough genius will inevitably follow...

As i typed that i actually found that statement rather humerous because I find my own duality incredibly amusing and interesting at the same time. By this i'm just talking about how intriguing i find how much i like myself. The word "duality" actually came to me because of the book by W.E.B. Dubois "How to be a black man" who expressed that being a Black man in America you are not just one person... But infact you are both "John Doe" but also "a Black person". This statement kind of shows why you (the random American) always here your choice black person so emotionally involved in situations involving other Blacks. Because that person is representing ALL Blacks because of the relative small percentage of Blacks that are seen as a whole. That is why you always hear of the things you see on BET or that ONE brotha on the Real World. Its all about "good representation".

When thinking about this scenario i even went through a brief period of thinking "we're in the 21st century...People are smart enough to realize that what they see on tv is not truly indicative who we/I am". Frankly...if you hang around enough liberal white people its easy to believe that. But the truth is the only way to understand another race is by actually associating with numerous people from that said race. And no...one doesn't count... Hence the reason why the statement "i have a black friend" is seen as racist cuz frankly you ain't gonna get no NAACP image awards for knowin one black person who psychologically(thanks to my psych. classes) you think of as an anomoly anyway.

The funniest thing about this little blog i have completed is that originally it was probably gonna be about talking to this cute phillipino waitress we had at Red Robin. Then i had the brief urge to end every phrase "mothaf*#ker" because during this whole post i've been watching Eddie Murphy "Raw". Oh and by the way the University of Maryland mes Basketball team has from this point forth been excommunicated from my mind until October 31st 2006.

I'm glad the freakin' olympics are over.

2006-02-21T00:53:00.000-08:00

For some totally odd reason comedy central has some "Wanda Does it" marathon on right now. The basic premis of the show is that Wanda Sikes does various random odd jobs. Now first off....as i type this i have just realized that this would be the most awesome thing ever to do. I mean seroiusly...who wouldn't want to be able to just up and try whatever random job you've thought may possibly be intriguing. In the two shows i watched she was a LA Sparks (wnba team) coach and she was a prostitute in a brothel. (The brothel btw was extremely nice and seroiusly...besides the whole sucking and f*#king of nasty old men... its a pretty hot job). Honestly could you have picked two better jobs? Right now...i'm thinkin' for myself...stripper, heart surgeon, NBA coach and a soul singer that throws in occasional dance moves...In that order. If possible i'd like to strip while doing heart surgery at a nba (wnba?) game i'm coaching and sing the national anthem and throw in a lil chest shimmy when i get to the word "brave".

Race thought for today... During the show Wanda's manager (who's white) was talking to i'm guessing a casting director (also white) who wanted her to play a monkey on some show (possibly SNL...i was fading in and out). The two men proceeded to get into a heated argument when the manager called him racist and insensitive. The director was oblivious to the knowledge that a black person might actually find acting as a monkey demeaning.... At one point he said "aaaw come on...its the 21st century). At the end of the segment the argument got so heated the manager was carried out by security (who ironically was a black guy). Anyway i just found this really interesting because you have two white males one...very sensitive to things from a black person's perspective. The other...no so much... But just looking at the interaction between the two men I kinda saw how the fact that the manager had been around Black people made him aware of certain things and respond to it (and other moments i saw) wheras the director very obvoiusely had been not been involved in many PERSONAL relationships with Blacks. I'm thinkin' that's what colleges mean by "diversity" helping improve a growing person's life. Besides the fact of race, being around other races opens up your mind to so many different views and perspectives that you are bound to be more open minded and mentally aware then counterparts living in their bubble ( white, black, hispanic, asian all included). Those who live in that physical and mental bubble will be similiarly close minded.

2006-02-16T23:56:00.000-08:00

Another theory on life from yours truly:
Today I was talking to one of my best friends who is now in med school at VCU and as usual had a conversation talking about the meaning, ramifications and understandings of life and how it all relates to flava flav. As another 22 yr old single newly graduated black man our experiences have been scarily similar. Anyway... the conversation starts off about about the amount of girls from college that are now trying to "hang on" essentially because he's in med school. Of course "gold digger" is the simple answer. But there must be more.

Me...i'm not in med school... COULD go to physical therapy school...but i have graduated and despite my lack of knowledge of what's gonna happen a week from now... Its obvoius that i'm not dead weight... So... A very similar situation also has occured for me. Our quest...to find out why/how...aka wtf is wrong with people.

What comes first? The chicken....or the egg?
Girls say guys are dogs... Are they born this way? Or are they socialized this way because of females?

Answer... some guys are...but others become it through adaption or protection. The fact of the matter is attractive females are used to and love attention (scratch that...ALL females) so do not treat it in the same way as you might the first time a guy looks at you longingly. I'm not saying guys are good (nobody is forcing the behavior) but females bring it on by the way they act.

A question: my man is a 22yr old college educated black male, girls should be taking numbers and clutching them like a lotto ticket with all their might. Instead they wave the number around like a coupon to mcdonalds. The same holds true for myself.

Another question... Have you EVER met a girl WITHOUT issues?
Answer: i'm still thinking........................... i'm going with no for the time being.

A theory: i don't think girls who eventually become beautiful successful people mature in the same way guys do because of the way the world responds to them. In a previous blog i mentioned that i rely on my personality. Well females rely on themselves in a similar way as they mature and because of that they do not mature in every aspect as a guy might. Girls supposedly "mature faster". Well... they do... but only certain parts of their brain... Aka girls might mature faster socially, wheras if you ever talk to a boy in 10th grade...He seems closer to a 8th grader then a 12th. Because of this delay in development guys internally develop themselves differently. So by adult age guys have matured become more confident in themselves and who they are as people wheras many females have not...or possibly even tried to.

Thought: I am currently friends with ZERO guys in a fraternity... In turn i know numerous girls in sororities. This statement is definetley not exclusive to girls but its for them because i could care less about guys that i don't know.

Statement: Greek org. are a way for the smart beautiful girl to keep her high school status of "cool" or "hot".

Thought: Black greek organizations are even worse then white ones...
Why? Every single one of them have some wide general stereotype based...not on the people in them....But based on the HISTORY of the respective group.
Example: The "AKA's" are hot
History: Historically the aka's were the group you couldn't be in if you were darker then a brown paper bag. Yes that's right...lighter equals more beautiful.

Fact: Through these groups... all the members lose their individuality you become a number or odd nickname or whatever. Basically who you are is slowly "pledged" away at till you succomb to group think.

Thought: I'm preeeeetty sure this causes a stunt in mental growth and maturity.

Question: How many girls you know are serial daters? Now how many guys?

I'm not saying guys don't have issues... But girls seem to have more major deep and emotional ones.

Statement: "Its not you ....its me..." Is this statement EVER true? Folks...that's called a cop out for "you bother me...but i can't put my finger on why...or i don't feel /want/like telling you"

"Your only choice is to be confident in who you are because you never know what's goin on on the other end"
-my boyeeeee

Conclusion: You can only take care of yourself in life so why worry about things you can't control.

Out of all these many many seperate thoughts... they are all connected

2006-02-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

So i guess it would only be right that i made a valentine's day post. So....my favorite part of valentine's day is.... All the classic soul songs and slow jams they play on the radio. Besides the slow jams they even played such class rap love songs such as "F*#kin you tonight" by biggie, "How do you want it" from Tupac and "Bonnie and Clyde" the Tupac one...not Jay (2pac's was signficantly more "hard"). This made me think.... It would be a lot of fun to get some bad bad chick and just "gangsta f*#k" I might even leave my timberlands on.

Anyway...as i'm sitting here on valentine's day I'm flipping beween the terps game and American Idol. So obviously this means i'm not out doing what you do on valentine's day. So incase you haven't noticed by the calm way that i'm writing... This means next to nothing to me. I've come to terms with my "in betweenness". Frankly girls are a supplementary part of my life and honestly i just think sooner or later everything is gonna take care of itself because... i'm me. Which is a very aggrogant statement.

So...the meaning of this statement... as i'm looking at myself right now although there have been a lot of things in life that i've struggled at... There is not one thing that i really wanted that i "failed" at. Essentially everything and anything i've ever really wanted i have eventually gotten. Which has lead to an unquenchable faith that "everything will work out". As I try to get into grad school or get a job comes the realization that everything might NOT work out. That i can't smile or talk my way (whether in person or on paper) into it. So i guess you can say that i like myself...but confident and realistic enough to know the way i percieve myself may not be 100% accurate or even possible.

2006-02-06T01:20:00.001-08:00

Jin Rummi: I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley: What?
Jin Rummi: Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean you have evidence of something that doesn't exist.
Riley: What?
Jin Rummi: What country are you from?
Riley: What?
Jin Rummi: What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in what?
Riley: What?
Jin Rummi: English motherfucker! Do you speak it?
Riley: Yeah.
Jin Rummi: So you understand the words I'm saying to you!
Riley: Yeah.
Jin Rummi: Well, what I'm saying is that there are known knowns and known unknowns. But there are also unknown things that we know we don't know.
Riley: What?
Jin Rummi: Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you motherfucker! Say what one more time!

That's from boondocks...I just put it because i felt like it.

The Steelers won the super bowl, techincally proving all the so called experts and dickriders right. Well... I've come to the conclusion that after a certain point two high caliber teams playing one game, makes it so that most of the actual breakdown between offense/defense, wide recivers vs cornerbacks, ect ect. all that is null and void when the teams are close....Basically i'm saying that the Steelers won because the ball (and calls) bounced their way... So essentially... i'm giving nobody who picked the Steelers credit. Which brings me to my next thought....

Why does nobody ever have individual thought? As American's...We are a nation of dickriders, nuthuggers and jock swingers. I believe it was around my sophmore year in college when i found that when playing basketball if i argued loud enough with enough force...Everyone would believe/go along with what i said....Whether its true or not. From that point on I decided to use this piece of info in every area of my interaction with people. You see this same phenomena everywhere... Go to Checkers... There are two drive throughs... One will have like 5 cars... The other will have 1 or none. Where do people continue to go upon rolling up and needing to make this crucial life decision, obvoiusely wanting to save themselves time? The line with 5 cars. Conformity is an amazing thing... Last week I heard 3 original statements or thoughts by someone other then Erock then i go to a abnomal psychology "seminar" where we're supposedly discussing various topics. I say something its like it rocks their world, oh yes and i'm the youngest person in the room. I think one of the things i liked the most about college is that in certain classes abstact thought is necessary and there are people to give it to you (even if most of the time its the teacher). Shoot... i may just go back and take a womans studies class just for the fun of it. I may have some additional thoughts and observations on this phenomena later because with me no thought is ever complete....

2006-02-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

So my work is strangly segregated by males and females... On mon. and wends. all the male therapists work together in the afternoon while on tues. and thurs. the 3 female PT's work together. I of course work all of those afternoons. This has allowed me to see the different dynamic with males and females. And i've noticed that females tend to have much deeper conversations then guys do. Infact i find myself establishing a much deeper connection with females due to their willingnes to explore different things. Other then my VERY close male friends i find that this mirrors outside life. Now of course I have an innate ability to conversate and draw anybody to me. Its just that guys are much more visceral about casual convesation then females. Although having said that i could talk about sports AAAAAAALL day. But to have the ability to listen and have them identify with you seems to require actually having dialogue or "expression".

I also am willing to admit that I get a strange enjoyment from talking to girls whether old, young and especially attractive ones. I think talking to girls is like crack....Always tryin for that first high. Or in this case to replicate the feeling you first had as a pre schooler when a girl first tells you your cute....By sending a group of friends over while she stands hiding behind a wall. As a 23 yr old man i enjoy talking to girls for the sole purpose of testing out my personality and seeing if i can get that "look" which inevitably comes whether their 60, 26, or 16. I about to ask myself whether or not sooner or later this will stop....Then i realized my dad does it too.... And to clear up any misunderstandings...I'm not necessarily talking about "flirting" per se... Just talkng in a engaging manner...

2006-02-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

I honestly have no urge to update this thing until the time when i should be in bed. First off let me start off by mentioning that Coretta Scott King died and she really meant a lot to America almost as much as her husband. In my old age I sometimes find annoying talking to kids in high school or seeing young black kids in the mall because they seem so ignorant. Not in the "ignant black kid" way just nieve of themselves as people. I was walking through the Columbia Mall randomly on Saturday because for some reason it was relaxing wandering around observing Columbia's finest. Kind of like going out for a sociological study. Anyway... While i was in Downtown locker room i was HIGHLY disturbed when as stroller rolled by the little girl was singing all the words to "Grillz" which was on the radio. Granted when i was 5 I was singing "Annie are you ok" but what's that saying about you when your child probably can't read yet....But knows a whole Nelly song. Mom, Dad? Lets do some constructive parenting here please. At LEAST make the kid sneak listening to the music. Or perphaps be influenced by her peers with less scrupels. Come on....Lets step the game up people.

On the same day that Ms. King died i found it veeeery odd that BET had "the 24 most #&@& #&@* moments in black history" (I can only assume what the curse words are). Honestly although i sat there, watched, and laughed quite hard at times... It may have been in rather poor taste considering what Ms. King did for Black people as a culture and people. Having said that the top 3 were:
OJ- I think the saddest thing about the whole situation is that the WHOLE black community... like EVERYONE got behind this dude. When whether he did it or not...He didn't deserve all that. I mean fo real fo real he wasn't exactly the most socially conscoius black man out there. Why should every Black person be so emotionally invested in this dude when we have no reason to. Having said that...I know the trial was way bigger then him. Which is why it became such a racially dividing issue.

The DC sniper: Honestly.... considering this was only a couple yrs ago and College Park was right near where all the people kept getting shot, i remember very vividly my feelings on it all..... And it was HILARIOUS. Yes i'm mean and heartless... But people were pumping their gas INSIDE THEIR CARS. LOL!! One time i saw this woman ducking and dodging her way from 7-11 to her car. Due to the randomness of the shootings i never felt you could live your life scared of something with a miniscule possibility of affecting you. You don't have to jump off a cliff.... But i just found that people were just out of control. And yes.... I was like how in the world are these two dudes black? Black people ain't even supposed to have sniper rifles not to mention use them... And NOT TO MENTION ridin around in a dandruff colored astro van.

Marion Berry: At the time this story hit i was about 7 living in PG county. And for those of you non informed.... Dude (who also happened to be mayor of washington DC) was caught impersonating Tyrone Biggums. (i need some rocks!!) I remember they played that tape of him getting busted n the news so many times even my 7 yr old mind figured out that he must've done something wrong... But this was not the most embarressing moment for those of the darker persuasion... Its the fact that right afterwards.... HE WAS REELECTED AS MAYOR!!! ONLY DC would relect a crack head as their president. Why you think this and Bmore is the crack capital of America. Obvoiusely crack heads vote more then non- druggies... I mean seroiusly DC reelecting a crack head for mayor is like America Reelecting a crack head for president.............(waaaaaaaaaaaait...................) I'm thinkin' crack heads are the hidden swing vote. And we all thought it was the religous right.

As i continued perusing the clothes (which as usual in the "black male stores" were waaay more expensive then necessary) i noticed this lil couple. One looked rather similar to my little sister, about same age height maturity, everything. The guy she was with though...looked about 3 or 4 yrs older dressed rather sloppy and tryin his hardest to act hard. I found myself thinking "if i ever catch M goin out with a kid like that imma bust him in his face." At first thought it would seem i stereotyped the kid... But the truth is i didn't like the look on his face (he was black....j/k, j/k) it was the cocky look on his face and mannerisms to the girl that really made me think "you know due to my little sister growing up in soley Columbia instead of Baltimore (such as her two older siblings) she would almost indoubtly go for this "bad boy" image. How do i know this? Its what girls do... Up until a certain point in their lives (some longer then others) they simply enjoy being downgraded, belittled and treated like my urine. I think there is a possibility that EVERY single girl (black,white, whatever) i've known with a suburban background has gone after a dude like this especially due to the proximity to two major cities causing a increase in wanna be gangsta's (i abhor the word "thug"...unless used in the song "thuggish ruggish bone"). This is not a "nice guys finish last" kinda post... Lets not get it twisted. I just mention the stuff as facts rather then a complaint. It just is what it is... Most females who grow and mature also grow and mature in their tastes in men or what they want from them. But seroiusly...if i see ONE kid my little sister brings home and he doesn't know what the deal is.... i'm beaten his a#*.

2006-01-30T01:52:00.000-08:00

Various subjects to think about as i sit here late at night letting my nba live 06' game (ps2) simulate itself through the playoffs... I honestly think club trips are more interesting because of the things you see and reactions you get there. I mean suuuure you could go to hook up with some random chick, get so hot girl's number, freak some bitties or sip on some crunk juice. But me personally.... I enjoy observing the people at clubs. On this particular visit i decided to REALLY get G'd up and sport the new clothes that my older sister blessed me with for christmas/my birthday/graduation (all within 2 weeks). These were her "daddy...its time to dress like an adult" clothes. And of course me having no problem with standing out in a crowd i took the chance to rock it Cam'ron style....For those of you less informed... I'm talkin purple haze style. So looking as i did...with a chain the good (fake) watch on I found it extremely interesting the difference in reaction of females in comparison to other trips to clubs.

Usually girl look at me, think "ooooh he's rather attractive..."
on THIS night though... i got the feeling they were thinking "hmmm....he looks like he has a job or he IS somebody"

I say this because ALOT of girls were just rollin up on a brotha...but not only rollin up but acting like they wanted more then just dancing.... Aka they had ulterior motives. Maybe i'm being quasi paranoid or perhaps i was really just looking incredibly sexy this choice night. Cuz i've also noticed that a key difference between males and females is that when guys see a girl dressed up...Their turned on by the accentuation of their various assets.... When guys are dressed up, girls tend to be turned on by how their actually dressed. This not talking about me just an obvservation from my various nights on the town and looking at others. Anyway the point is that is this what i have to look forward to as i continue to grow in income? Or perhaps facial hair growth? Should i just go back to wearing a t-shirt and mesh shorts to the club like its the high school back to school dance? (ok...i never did that since mesh shorts have material that's a little too "loose" but i did know people who did) The fact of the matter is that this is a major conundrum that was unexpected with old age....

Comments from the club:
"Yo...that's nothing..i'm in the navy and in Germany i f&*ked this Jamaican chick who was like "eeeh maaan i wanna f#@k a white maaaan"... And she was only 25 dollars."
"Usually about midway through the night i get some red bull and some vodka... Did you know you can get those things at like the gas station for like 2 dollars and then take a shot and if you do it all at once it'll be like the cheapest high you could ever get....blah blah blah...."for like 10 minutes
"Hey...you look like the rapper Chamillionaire" After thinking about it....maaaybe.... i mean besides the fact that my teeth aren't worth then my car. This guy the proceeded to follow me around the rest of the night and everytime i would say something slightly humerous he would absolutely die with laughter.

2006-01-25T22:34:00.000-08:00

Right now i'm listening to Halle Berry's former sex addict husband aka Eric Benet's best song... Georgy Porgy with Faith Evans... I have nothing to say about this...Just that its a incredibly quality song and brings back good memories of high school nothingness.

So i am now the Godfather of a brand new 6 lb 6 once, 19 inch baby girl named.....shooot i forgot again.... I'm mad i remember the measurements but not the name. Hmm......why does this sound like its because its a girl i remember the measurements but....not the name............
(No people that was not planned it was just another instance of spontaneous comedic genius by yours truly)
Anyway....thinking about the baby through my cyclic thinking I thought of what i consider the singular most random and intriguing question a girl/girlfriend has ever asked me....
"did your mom sing you a song or lullabye when you were little and could you still sing it?"

Seriously i've never had another question even CLOSE to the randomness of that question. I don't know why (i am currently forming conclusions) i find that question so intriguing or interesting or whether it was the fact that i DID actually know what it was.

So anyway i put it out there....What is the singular most interesting question someone of the opposite sex has ever asked you?

2006-01-24T22:47:00.000-08:00

Wide range of topics blustering through my mind at the moment....
There's this real interesting show on VH1 called Race- o-rama"Blackophobia" and I can honestly say its one of the singular most enjoyable shows discussing race I've ever seen. They just cover a wide range of topics from music (Ice Cube back in the day was seroiusly one scary mofo...especially to white people...) One thing that i found interesting was the question "scariest white holiday". The overwhelming answer from all of the black people interviewed was St. Patrick's day. Hearing that... i was suddenly like "OOOOOOOOOOH SNAP!!! I KNEEEEEW there was a reason i've never gone out on St. Patty's day." I'm not saying i've ever hated the holiday or even cared about it at all. But i never thought about why. And low and behold it turns out other colored folk feel the same way. This harkens back to my memories of my first couple nights at College Park... Incase you don't know/couldn't guess probably the biggest party days in college happen to uccur a day or two before school starts but after everyone moves into the dorms. Anyway...my first time exploring outside my dorm room the second night...Walking from the gym (i think..maybe it was somebody's room...whatever) I met like 5 other black dudes with whom i had forged mild aquaintances with. After doing the usual black people thing of standing on a corner being loud (its a stereotype....but we definetely were doing it and i have no idea why black people do it so much...like seroiusly i've had ALOT of fun standing on corners, outside of buildings, cars, i think its engrained in our genes) Anyway we proceeded to try to find our way down to "frat row" with the help of a map...(Aaaah to be a freshmen...In retrospect we probably took the longest route possible) As we hit knox rd (basically the biggest party street in college park... or at least was) and to my shock...i had NEVER IN MY LIFE seen sooooooooooo many drunk white people. They were all out in the open in the backyards of houses with those freakin' red cups. Like seroiusly my shock at thousands of white people with red cups runnin around screaming "WHEEEEEEEEY!!! Yeah b*#ch a*s motha*#er!!" Umm.....yeah..... kinda a blow to my system. Columbia Maryland just doesn't prepare you for that. And some were so friendly... "HEY BUDDDY!! THIS IS FREAKIN' AAAAAAWSEOME where you guys goin!!!".
Response by dude in my "group": "we're tryna f*# k some white b&*ches"
Response by random drunk white dude: "YEAAAAAH THATS THE SH*@ I'M F*&KIN' TALKIN ABOUT"
Then proceeds to give everyone a high five. (i remember being scared he was trying to hug me) As we continued the walk down knox to frat row all i could think was "how come there are no police is THIS how white people really party? How come their just standing there talking....Why no dancing...infact....where's the music? As we got to frat row i then saw all these people in toga's and heard a girl saying "i wish he would just realize that i just wanna f*#k him" (i think at this point i honestly still thought most girls other then the slutty ones had to be tricked into sex...and yes....i just thought the girls in my high school were just slutty). After having fun with a number of drunkards we passed we get to a frat house that just so happened to have somebody who was a friend of the defacto "leader" of our little group. After they talked for a min and we stared in wonder at this big mansion... He then invited our group of 6 black guys...into the house...This is not amazing because he invited 6 black guys.... But in my 4.5 yrs of college i could probably count the times i've been into a frat house with SIX GUYS and no female on one hand...ok finger... So what did we do...we turned around and walked back to our dorms for what reason i don't know why cuz by this time i was curious. (sadly...i must admit i was definetely still a victim of high school group think...first week of college...rome wasn't built in a day)
I had no plans on making a story this long....it just happened

One of my best friends is having a baby possibly as I'm typing this right now...I'm gonna be a Godfather and am a Uncle still freshly 23... 4 yrs ago i would be just starting my second semester in umcp along with everyone i know who would either be there...or another school (including my oldest sister). Now a rundown of all those same people.....One in working at Nissan, another in med school, another graduated and actually has a girlfriend.... that he likes,(for those of you...two people who are thinking "what about mike?"... he's exactly the same) my sister is now married with a 2 yr old child....and a friend is about to have a baby. Wow how things change....

2006-01-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Lopez is supposed to be on the tonights show (i know...second jay leno reference), i remember there was a time 4 years ago when she was black that i was reaaaaaally lovin me some J. Lo. Then she went white to whiter then hispanic again (as seen by her husbands and music video's). It always kind of annoyed me that she just likes to essentially be whatever race she feels when the time is monetarily right for her. If i remember correctly in at least 3 of her last movies she's played an Italian. The ability to essentially switch up what race you are is definetely something only hispanic people (women) can do.
As i sit here thinking about what it'd be like to go out with J. Lo i'm interested in what it'd be like to go out with like every race and then ask the girl what its like to be "hispanic, asian and..... canadian" (generalized because i don't feel like listing countries). Caucasian also would be a interesting case sudy but due to the society we live in it tends to be something that is around me anyway.

Girls of the moment through college:
Fresh. yr: Jennifer Lopez, Ashanti (go figure...two women who couldn't sing to save their lives... and we've STILL never had a camera shot of Ashanti's backside)
Soph. yr.: Beyonce (as you can see the tastes are maturing)
Junior Yr: Alicia Keys (not only is she beautiful but understatingly so and sings with emotion not to mention her songs have a certain deepness to them)
Senior yr: I did have a brief little fling with Amerie (it didn't hurt that she's from the area) but by this time my video watching had decreased to the point where i could not get hooked on watching some scantily clad beautiful woman who just happened to have good vocal chords for any extended period of time.

Oh and i may always love Beyonce until your genetic ability to benot only amazingly thick but sexy in shape thick with a six pack leaves you. BTW she can also sing better then all...Including Ms. Keys (she whines....music is deeper...but she whines...just listen the high part of fallin 10 consecutive times and tell me if you don't want to scratch a blackboard)

2006-01-19T23:11:00.000-08:00

I just noticed that on my profile my zodiac year is "dog". This site must be run by a woman...... (HAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHOHOHOHOHO...........phew........there's my pun for the week)
Anyway i think i'm supposed to say a few quick notes, tidbits, quid pro quos, about the lil blogger HH that i blessed with my presence. Well... since nothing i have to say is really conjoined in any way shape or form. Imma just go with various thoughts that i had while there....
"I haven't felt this young in quite a while"
The random girl who came and sat with me and e-rock while we were trying to be non social must've had some large balls considering how intimidating we are.
Roar Savage is the singular most social person i know.
It seems in a non college setting people tend to be much less pretensious. aka EVERYONE was amazingly nice
Nicole stole my fries......THREE of em. Those three lost fry souls came back to bite me later on that night when i passed out on the street from hunger....

Now onto the person who counts.... Yo daddy....
As i type this Jay Leno is doing his monologue and everytime something is semi funny the people in the audience clap. Why? What is with this clapping stuff. I've seen this same phenomena while watching Comedy Central. White people clap instead of laughing.... When i watch Kings of Comedy there might be a clap combined with jumping up and down in giddy laughter... But there is no just applause... As i harken back to my African American rhetoric class i remember hearing/learning that Blacks tend to be more expressive in how they show their emotions. Still.... clapping?

A statement on my day.... I worked out...while working out essentially admiring myself (not being vain just honest...your there by yourself with large mirrors while flexing...can you NOT look at yourself?) But essentially this is where i tend to be self reflective and this time as i was admiring myself i asked "why am i even working out"the kinesiology major said "TO STAY HEALTHY" The part without a girlfriend said "TO GET GIRLS". The part who doesn't care about girls said "Daddy...because your obvoiusely a self indulgent person who is a big fan of himself" This part of me also said "why even bother...there is nobody to show that 1 pack of abs too anyway." Despite all these varying voices going on in my head i still finished killing myself by going upstairs where cardio stuff was and was glad to see a number of attractive women all dressed in spandex.... All thoughts ceased. On the drive home I posed the question to myself "what do i do with all this which is caused by exercising... such as the extra energy, possible hypertrophy of muscles (muscle growth for all you non science people out there) and increased endorphins oozing through my body (according to my University of Maryland education... exercise makes you horny)? Solution....STRIPPER..................................
And then i got a craving for a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.... And i realized the true purpose of it all.... I exercise....so i can eat alot. Thank you mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry...Infact thank you also to Mr. Phish for your ice suggestion to Mr B and J. Due to you fine fellows you have given my life continued meaning....
Aaaaaaaaaand i'm done..............
(p.s. i have not been diagnozed for being bipolar....after this post i might be soon)

2006-01-17T23:04:00.000-08:00

I guess this is one of those random moments when essentially i have nothing to REALLY type about but figure if i continue long enough i will have an epiphany and all will be good with life and this blog. Probably the ginormous sized brain fart is due to a 4 hour trip to the gym (some people have told me i'm borderline obsessed with the gym... the truth is i just need a way to continue eating a pint of ben and jerry's a night) at 8:30 which culminated with instead of me jogging around the track a couple times... Ended in me playing basketball for 2 hours. Mainly due to 4 "cool" people from my high school walking onto the court. I'm not saying i was the nerdiest guy in the world in high school but you could say these were the top of the totem pole kinda guys (3 went on to play college baseball and one is in the Orioles org.) So i basically felt a strange need to REALLY light them up on the court (two also were on the bball team). So while waiting for the game i asked myself (ok...really my friend who i was shooting around with) whether I would STILL feel the same need to prove myself when 10 yrs from now. Conclusion....yes.
I have definetely come to the realization that half the issues people need to get over in there early adult years DEFINETELY directly relate to high school.
On a totally random note/thought I think imma make a rule guide to how to get dance with girls at the club due to me citing various rules a number of times to various people over the weekend. This may be very informative and after a certain point become a best selling pulizter winning book.

2006-01-15T23:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i had the opprotunity to go on THE worst in the history of dating. Like seroiusly...i wouldn't be typing this if it was even half decent. I've had dates where girls have tried to make me jealous, dates to the dining hall and have millions of guys roll up, girls tell me their whole life story (stuff not necessary for me to know on a first date) even had girls be on their phone the whole date.... Well THIS chick not only hits ME up to chill so i take her with some friends to a bar/restaurant to watch the Redskins game. Cuz thats what i was planning on doing anyway and supposedly she was a big Ravens fan. So not gonna be overwhelmed by football. Perfect situation cuz there were even 2 other girls with our group who she knew.
I pick her up..... IMMEDIETELY got on her phone. Didn't say one word on her own. Asked a few questions...One word answers...
Get out the car... Not a word said walking to restaurant. Gave benefit of the doubt due to sudden 100 mph winds.
Sit down in booth tried to start couple convo's before game starts.... One word answers. (I'll be honest and say she was THIS close to getting cut off by the time we got out the car)
To make a short story long and short again... There as not a SINGLE two word response the whole time there. And by half time i couldn't look at her. (I'm dead serious i really didn't look at her for about 2 hours....At least not from the neck up....I don't care if thats shallow its not like her mind was stimulating me)
So we leave after the Skins lose so me being me... I'm really not happy to begin with considering...well the skins lost. Anyway...we leave. A friend comes cuz he needs a ride... Not a single word is said in the 5-10 min. walk. Other then my cheeky "SOOOOOO.....THAT was fun!!!!" (think high pitched sarcasm) We get to the car (by this point i was in my f the world mode) soooo...my friend sat in the front i purposely decided to throw on a mix cd with as much old school or underground hip hop possible...Aka stuff a lot of girls don't tend to care for. (For some odd reason most girls just ain't feelin Canibus or a Lost Boyz freestyle). So of course... continuing the trend.. Not another word was said until she gets out the car "thank you for the ride and everything" which oddly was said in the sweetest way....I was almost touched... Almost.... The funny thing about being a guy was that as she walked away i STILL thought... "Boy she's got a REALLY nice body..." And then i contemplated running over her with my car.

Watch the show Boondocks...Top two shows on TV. 24 and Boondocks (MLK day episode was about if MLK was in a coma for 30 yrs and came back in 2000.....He didn't like what he saw)

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous then sincere ignorance and ginuine stupidity." Martin Luther King Jr

2006-01-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, while at work I had a big suspect black man possibly hit on me.... Oh yeah and it was deduced (not by me but by a female i work with who for some reason knows about them) that he was wearing a man thong. Not only was this disturbing...But it made me think of the "thong song" for the rest of the night.
She's got dumps like a truck (truck truck)
guys like what (what what)
baby move yo butt (butt butt)
lemmie say it agaaaaain

Moving on... I had the pleasure of going to a bmore club with some friends of course it was a white club which comes with the usual experience of lil white girls giving you the "molestor" look, and the "oooh he's black...i wouldn't mind seeing if what they say is true...." Let me not forget the look of fear on the white guys face as you brush by them or the strange need for random white dudes to dap me or gain approval while they do some ackward dance move. Or the look the other Black dudes give you when you slightly glance at them with a white girl who can REALLYwork it (embarressment). And of course there's the Black girls who look at you like Denzel cuz most of the other brotha's there are either corny or ugly (i'm guessing from their perspective) Anyway... that's not what i wanted to talk about...I want to speak on the incredible disappointment i feel when i dance with one of the few black girls that are there........And they can't dance. I mean fo real i just want to cast them away and tell them they are a disgrace to their color. Yes i'm saying big stereotypes and blah blah, if someone wants to get into a race discussion with me i got chu and i guarantee you'll learn something (not vanity or self absorption it just is what it is...there are only a couple of you, you need to represent). Anyway... nothing against white girls but the quality of dancing at a black club is simply higher. No stereotype...its just true, i've researched it. So imagine my shock and angst when i hop on the back of some young ebony female and she begins to gyrate off beat.... UGH!!! This happened FOUR times and 3 or 4 other times although the girl was on beat...She was REALLY not workin it. And its not even like it was in the "i'm not feeelin you this is a pitty dance" kinda thing. It was a "i'm REALLY tryin to show you what's good but i'm not physically capable of it" thing. The culmination of this disturbing night was at the end when they capped off the night with "welcome to jamrock" after having played some sort of techno song. Seeing a group of 4 black females by themselves, me with the pick of the litter i chose the one with the best proportions to stay with my theory that it seems that girls with bigger booties (no monster booty i like proportion) seem to be better capable of gyrating it in the correct motions. To my EXTREME disappointment we start doin our thing....and the other girl with whom i was debating on initiating physical contact with was REALLY workin it on some dude who took my cue that the group of girls were open for business (that's what guys do...they piggyback they follow the strongest then get the leftovers). Mine....was REALLY not. I was very much underwhelmed. If it were another place... she would've sooooo gotten the heave... ho. Maybe i'm coming off as full of myself like i'm hot and amazing on the dance floor or something. Well... I think of it like when your looking at colleges to go to out of high school. Why go to a community college when you can go to the University of Maryland at College Park..... This girl was working it about the university of Phoenix (the one online...) level.

2006-01-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

On the suggestion of a dear friend I have decided to begin the chronicling of my post-college life with this here blog. Its gonna be quite the challenge to prevent myself from suddenly morphing into deep abstract thoughts that would make even deep thinkers such as our President scratch their heads (i'm disappointed in myself for beginning my blogging career with such a cheap shot).
At the moment i'm listening to XM radio which btw is AMAZING... I can listen to what i feel is the golden age of hip hop and r&b (THE MID 90'S) all day and not be interrupted by anyone screaming. Anyway, the song that is currently on is John Legend (obvoiusely not 90's radio) "I can change" which now has a odd meaning for me since when the cd first came out the girl i was chillin' with at the time kept pointing to that song and saying "you need to listen to this song". For such blasphemous comments like that girls get the stuck stank face. Had no idea what she was talking about...and still don't. All i know is a good song has now had its memory tarnished in my head due to her careless lack of inner monologue.
Since i'm trying to start this blog out strong imma let the world know that i got offered a job on the spot after going through a NINE HOUR full day "interview". Supposedly beating out over 100 people. And hearing comments such as "YOU WERE THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD!!" I felt like i just finished with *insert your name* mom. Honestly though... When the dude offered me the job at the end of the night I think we had a slightly odd nondescript homosexual moment, as he said he was so proud of seeing such a great fellow terripan (merrlan alum). Or at least he did. He was kind of cross-eyed so it would've been hard to look into his eyes even if i had wanted to. Oh btw....i didn't take the job.
Songs of the moment: Trey Songz- Gotta go
Ne Yo- So sick
Honestly...you'll see a lot of r&b cuz i love to sing so be prepared....And they have no association to being lovelorn, lovesick, lovelusting or lovelost (i don't think that one's a word...but i tried).